Healthy body, healthy spirit, healthy mothering. This is the journey I have set out on with my two amazing children.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Nightmare Night

Oh man, last night was rough.  Was woken up by something around 12:30 a.m.  I did that thing where you kind of look around, but of course its pitch black and I just woke up so I couldn't actually see anything.  (Not to mention that I am blind without my glasses on).  I kinda listened for a moment and then I heard it again.  Somebody was crying.  No.  Not crying.  Wailing.

"Kel?  Is that you?"

"No Momma I hear it too.  Nevaeh?  Are you ok?"

My only thought was --no, she's right here--but I pat the bed next to me where I know she was when I fell asleep and no Nevaeh.

Kel and I both race into her bedroom at the same time and she is curled up in a ball sobbing into her pillow.  I actually started to look around to see if someone had broken into my home.  (The security alarm didn't go off but I was still not awake so not really thinking clearly.)

I pulled my baby into my lap, rubbed her back, kissed her head and just loved on her trying to calm her down, at least enough that she could tell me what was going on.  Turns out my baby had a nightmare that Daddy was alive and, in her words, "he was hurting you again."


Dammit.


My freaking past rears its ugly head yet again.  And my little one has to pay for it.



Nevaeh never actually saw him hurt me.



Never.



I left that relationship when I was 2 months pregnant with her and we never lived with him again.  Unfortunately she was a witness to a lot of verbal fights in the 3 short years she knew him and I guess her imagination has filled in the rest.  I don't know what brought that to the front of her mind.  As far as I know there was no music or tv shows to set that off (I am pretty careful about that kind of thing).  All I know is it took a long time for my baby girl to stop crying and to go back to sleep.  She was snuggling so hard last night that I may be bruised this morning.  Her little sleeping body just followed me anywhere I moved, the moment I moved.

So this morning I am exhausted.  I slept but it was not restful.  But I am going to focus on the good in this situation.  My little girl is safe.  Both of my babies are safe.  And I am the reason.  When the past sneaks back up on us, I can, and will, show them how to keep moving forward, safely together.  

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