Oh man, last night was rough. Was woken up by something around 12:30 a.m. I did that thing where you kind of look around, but of course its pitch black and I just woke up so I couldn't actually see anything. (Not to mention that I am blind without my glasses on). I kinda listened for a moment and then I heard it again. Somebody was crying. No. Not crying. Wailing.
"Kel? Is that you?"
"No Momma I hear it too. Nevaeh? Are you ok?"
My only thought was --no, she's right here--but I pat the bed next to me where I know she was when I fell asleep and no Nevaeh.
Kel and I both race into her bedroom at the same time and she is curled up in a ball sobbing into her pillow. I actually started to look around to see if someone had broken into my home. (The security alarm didn't go off but I was still not awake so not really thinking clearly.)
I pulled my baby into my lap, rubbed her back, kissed her head and just loved on her trying to calm her down, at least enough that she could tell me what was going on. Turns out my baby had a nightmare that Daddy was alive and, in her words, "he was hurting you again."
My freaking past rears its ugly head yet again. And my little one has to pay for it.
Nevaeh never actually saw him hurt me.
I left that relationship when I was 2 months pregnant with her and we never lived with him again. Unfortunately she was a witness to a lot of verbal fights in the 3 short years she knew him and I guess her imagination has filled in the rest. I don't know what brought that to the front of her mind. As far as I know there was no music or tv shows to set that off (I am pretty careful about that kind of thing). All I know is it took a long time for my baby girl to stop crying and to go back to sleep. She was snuggling so hard last night that I may be bruised this morning. Her little sleeping body just followed me anywhere I moved, the moment I moved.
So this morning I am exhausted. I slept but it was not restful. But I am going to focus on the good in this situation. My little girl is safe. Both of my babies are safe. And I am the reason. When the past sneaks back up on us, I can, and will, show them how to keep moving forward, safely together.
Healthy body, healthy spirit, healthy mothering. This is the journey I have set out on with my two amazing children.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
This week I made one of Jenn's recipes that I have had bookmarked for some time. She wrote about it on Monday as A post that didn't get the attention it deserves so obviously I had to make it that night and give it a little attention.
Let me tell you, Jenn was right. These samosa stuffed potatoes are delicious!
Of course, as with every single recipe I make I had to tweak it a bit and put my own spin on it.
I baked the potatoes in the microwave, because well, it was 95 degrees out and I didn't want the oven on any longer than absolutely necessary. Instead of sauteing the veggies I did a braised celery, onion & carrot dish
and when they were just barely steamed (still very crunchy) I pulled some out and chopped them up to add to my potato innards. I also used the braising liquid instead of making a veggie broth.
I hid a little bit of havarti love in the bottoms of the skins. Creamy, yummy, havarti with dill to add a bit of cooling to the curry spiced deliciousness of the potatoes.
Won't that be a lovely surprise?
I ran out of cumin so I used turmeric instead. Don't you just love that gorgeous yellowy orange color?
Such delicious veggies.
To calm the spiciness a bit I made a yogurt sauce to top the potatoes with. Greek yogurt, salt, pepper, onion & garlic powder, fresh parsley from the garden and a dash of Bragg's liquid aminos. Both of the kids were thankful for it as the spiciness of the curry and cayenne were a bit much for them.
Now for the rest of the days meals. Breakfast that morning was some oatmeal with maple syrup & brown sugar. Nothing special & not pretty enough to take a picture.
Snacks: Frozen cherries in the morning and carrots dipped in the yogurt dip at night.
Lunch: Some of my yummy Messican soup. (Beans & rice in soupy form) This is a staple here in the Ramon home. I love it!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Not pictured: 2 newspapers (gotta get more coupons) and some m&m's for the kids
Crest 3D whitening toothpaste and the Crest Pro-Health toothpaste are on sale this week 2/$4.98. When you buy two you also get a $3 register reward which means you are getting 2 toothpaste tubes for $1.98. I used two coupons for $0.75 off which means I got the toothpaste for $0.24 a tube. That is a GREAT deal!
The Scunci hair ties are on sale 2/$3 and you also get a $3 register reward which makes them FREE!
Perfection 8 count tampons are on sale for $1.50 and you get a $1.50 register reward which makes them FREE! If I don't like them (never used them so we'll see) I can always donate them.
The mini composition books are on sale for $0.19 each with the Walgreens ad coupon so I bought 6. I think these will be the perfect size to fit in my scrub pants pocket and to take notes as I begin taking on clients.
Now are you ready to see how I actually made some money this week? The ad said the 50 count Dentek flossers were on sale for $2.99 and you get a $2 register reward.
I found these on the clearance aisle marked down to $1.25 a piece. In my 1st transaction I also used a $1 off coupon making my price only $0.25 for this pack. Once my register reward printed out I actually made $1.75 on this sale. That is AWESOME!!
During 3 other transactions (yes I get back in line during the same trip) I bought another 3 of these for the same clearance price of $1.25 earning a $2 register reward with each one. So not only were they FREE to me but I actually made $0.75 per pack.
The water bottle I found in the clearance section and decided to get because its the perfect size for my lunch box. :)
This was a great week for coupons!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Once again I have slacked about joining Jenn's fabulous What I Ate Wednesday posts. Things have been a bit cuh-razy around here once again. :)
So here are some photos of what we have been eating since my last WIAW post.
The sauce was soooooo good.
Made with diced tomatoes, green chiles and peanut butter. I could not believe how delicious it was. I actually used my finger to wipe that plate clean.
Zesty chicken nachos the next day. :)
My beautiful Neva enjoying some frozen organic strawberries on the 99 degree 4th of July.
I made hummus. With barely cracked black pepper corns. Yum!
Tuna salad made with hummus instead of mayo, onion & celery.
No bread for us. I put it in buttercrunch lettuce from our garden.
And may I just say, its a darn good thing the tuna was good enough to eat plain because my daughter ate every single one of the tuna-lettuce wraps before I even sat down to join her.
Oh. And just to clarify. I use my regular dinner plates as serving plates. So the pictures you see aren't MY meals. That is how much I put on the table for the 3 of us. Only in the case of the tuna/lettuce wraps, my sweet little girl forgot to share.
We've been making a LOT of these and/or fresh fruit popsicles. It's just been so darn hot!
Frosting from a chocolate mint cupcake. This little bakery makes THE BEST cupcakes EVER!!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
As I continue to study, study, study for my upcoming doula training I remember more and more how amazing it was to be able to nurse my child. I know all about the physiological benefits for mom and baby. I can explain how milk is made and expressed. I know several different tips for treating sore nipples. I am learning to help women with latching problems and the frustration that can bring.
But none of that is what I think of when I reminisce about nursing my own child. I think of how frustrating it was with my older child. The anger at my inability to feed my child without pain and tears. The struggles, the screaming (both him and me) as I tried to fight my way through the most horrific depression and despair. Then I think of the peaceful feeling that would wash over me when I sat with my daughter at my breast, my son snuggled into the crook of my arm holding onto her feet as she ate. I think of the extra sleep I got at night, sleeping with my breast out, keeping my child close enough to nurse on and off thru the night as she wanted. The difference for me? Education and help. I brought in a lactation counselor to help me with my daughter. I needed that nursing connection that only a mother and child can feel. I needed to be able to show my son, what I could not do with him, to replace the traumatic feeding experiences I had put into his little mind.
So I've decided to start doing a breastfeeding picture each week. I love that artists have realized the beauty of a woman nursing her child for centuries and I hope to share that beauty with you.
It is possible.
It is amazing.
It is beautiful.
Picasso "Maternity" 1905