Healthy body, healthy spirit, healthy mothering. This is the journey I have set out on with my two amazing children.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Pardon me. I think I lost my machete.

I've gotten so far off track lately that I feel like I'm trying to wiggle my way through some sort of invisible Amazonian jungle and I have no map and no freaking machete.

I am struggling to even pass my physics class this semester.  I hate it.  Usually I try to reserve the word hate for the biggies; wife beaters, child abusers, rapists, Hitler...see where I'm going with this list?  But my frustration, disgust with myself for my ineptitude and overall anger at all things physics lead me to think that I really do HATE it.  I've got a tutor which an amazing friend keeps paying for (although I WILL pay her back), go to an extra class which means Wednesdays I see my kids for about 5 minutes at 6:55am before I race out the door and I am studying and trying but I just don't get it.  I feel like such a failure.  Perhaps I should buy a dunce cap and try to make that my new style?  On the other hand at least I am not alone in this.  I literally just heard a girl sigh, "Oh, Fuck you Physics" from the next cubicle over, here in the campus library.  Am I a bad person for laughing out loud at that?

I didn't stick to my financial budget for about 2 months and that has come back to bite me in the ass.  Kel needs braces (like that was a surprise) and I don't have the cash to get them for him.  I hate hate hate borrowing money and the "affordable" care credit plan has a 14.9%APR.  Give me a freaking break.  So he waits at least another year because his momma got lazy and didn't stay focused.  I'm sorry baby boy for not providing the best for you yet again.

The car is about to die and my pitiful $1000 emergency fund isn't going to cover it.  The washer doesn't want to agitate which agitates me.  So I start a load of laundry and I sit and wait for the now familiar screechy whine of the motor as it futilely attempts to spin.  I race to the machine, reach in and give it a hand.

I sit and I wait for pathology results.  Nerve wracking is what that is.  My screwed up choices from the past are coming back with a vengeance.  I know the results will most likely be just fine.  I trust my doctor but that doesn't stop the worries from racing around my brain.  I can block them out during the day (and I do because I have to try to focus) but my sleep is suffering for it.  I dream of leaving my children alone.  Who will take care of them?  How do I choose a person to raise them for me?  I dream of hospital beds and tubes and machinery and I am alone.  I dream of dark, damp spaces that I can't escape.  What's the answer?  Focus on God?  Why?  Is He going to come down and help me?  Uhhhh, nope, not in my experience.  Be still and listen?  To what?  I want to feel that peace that I read about.  The inner calm that comes from knowing, without a doubt that you are not alone, as Christians like to say, that you are in the world but not of it.  I don't have that peace.  I'm not sure that I believe it really exists.  At least not without a serious pharmaceutical boost.

I think that the universe is telling me to stop this attempt at finishing college and start working full-time again.  We need the money.  I don't make much in my crappy retail job but at least that way I could be saving to save my kids teeth, right?  On the other hand, I know that this frustration is temporary.  I know that.  I want to be the me that just finds a way to make do.  Things suck? Stop dwelling on it and trudge forward.  Hack my way through the jungle of my life.  Normally I can do that, I really can, but lately?  Like I said.  I lost my machete.

Where the hell is my freaking machete?

1 comment:

Merely Me said...

*hands you a machete*... I know the temptation to drop out and "earn money" - but you owe it to yourself and to your family to keep trudging through the jungle. (This said by a 5 time drop out!)

Good luck and just look ahead - maybe choose a clearing in the jungle and take some time out - but don't give in! Good luck... M