Healthy body, healthy spirit, healthy mothering. This is the journey I have set out on with my two amazing children.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

I've lost my joy.

I am just so damn angry all the time.  I am cursing non-stop, even around the kids, which is just wrong.  The slightest thing sets me off.

I got some crappy medical news which just pisses me off.  Nothing I can do about that right now.  I go in for more tests in a couple of weeks.  Can't talk to the kids about it because they worry too much about being left completely alone as it is.

I have only been to church once in 4 months.  I don't want to get up and go.  My reason?  Why bother?  I pray.  I read my bible.  I do studies with my kids.  I attend church.  I teach Sunday school.  What do I have to show for it?  Peace that passes all understanding?  Hell no.  Some sort of inner calm knowing that the crap in this life is only temporary & I am working towards a long term eternal goal rather than focusing on the here & now?  Nope.  So why bother?  I feel like I have been trying & the church says you can't test God.  Well, years & years of no difference have taken their toll.  I'm over it.

I miss my sister & my nieces & nephews.  I hate that my baby nephew doesn't really know us.  Except for skype.  Woo.

I quit smoking which I guess is a positive thing but I sure do miss it.

I only got a C- in two of my classes.  TWO!  I may as well start wearing a freaking dunce cap.

I just can't find my damn joy.  I was always the person that dealt with the crap.  Life throws it at you and you just have to deal with it.  You can't change it so you need to wade through it.  Now I just want to wallow in it.  I am just so exhausted from trying to hold my head above it all and I can't see any glimmer of something better.

Does it get any better?

1 comment:

MonkeMama said...

It does get better. That's about all I have to offer.
Love you