Healthy body, healthy spirit, healthy mothering. This is the journey I have set out on with my two amazing children.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

wasting time

I hate wasting my time. It is too precious and I have so very little of it to spare. Clearly I am a moron that should not be allowed to pick and choose my own friends. I apparently have no discernment.

Example 1. I wasted several years of my life being friends with a woman, C. When I really needed her (when I got preggers) she bailed and we have barely spoken since. Of course there were a lot of other reasons behind this, jealousy, resentment, financial stuff, men, partying etc...but thats not the point.

Now I have wasted the last 2 years of my life being friends with a man that I thought was my best friend. There is nothing I held back from him, nothing at all. I was completely honest about who I am, who I have been, who I want to be. I am going through another life crisis (death of my dad) and he (B, not dad) disappears from my life. I clearly am sending out something, call it vibes, call it the subconcious, the collective unconcious, I really do not care what you label I push people away when I am going through a crisis or do I subconciously choose loser friends that will NOT be there when the going gets tough? Either way I am the idiot/jackass in these scenarios that has wasted too much of my time on people that aren't true friends. Perhaps it is more of a combination of the two. I push them away and at the same time, the people I choose are not strong enough to work through that? Or aren't willing to work through that?

I have always been a control freak. My childhood was so out of control, there was always so much responsibility dumped on my tiny shoulders (as the oldest) that I learned to be super-independent. Super controlling. Call me Super Bitch! I do what needs to be done. If there is a family crisis people turn to me. If there is somebody that needs to be taken care of I will do it. Are you a schmuck that refuses to grow up? I will feed you, clothe you, lend you my car. Are you an alcoholic/druggie that wants to remain stuck in the shitfest that you call life? I will try to rescue you. Are you a manic phobic personality that craves constant attention? Please, allow me to put my own family on the back burner to enable you.

And if we bring this around to the way I cook when I am in these moods. I cannot even post the picture because it was too disgusting. I made some long grain rice. Very simple, I prepare it in a beef broth which adds some subtle flavor. However, my rice turned out undercooked and too mushy at the same time. How in the hell did I manage that!? I also made a very basic braised steak with a tomato garlic sauce. Sounds good? Mehhh. Not so good really. Even my roommate T did not compliment me on this one. How could he? He doesn't seem to be much of a liar.

Point of this rambling is: I don't do a good job of choosing friends. I think I will stick to my sisters and my kids for the time being.

1 comment:

Michelle said...

Hey! Don't give up on making friends! You at least know how. Some people don't even know how. Besides, you might get lucky and meet a really funny, intelligent, down to earth chick in a sign language class that is in need of a friend too. She might even stay in touch through a move to Texas, your Dad's death, B spazzing out and who knows what else! Sound familiar!