Healthy body, healthy spirit, healthy mothering. This is the journey I have set out on with my two amazing children.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

flustrated

I am just so dam tired. I never really understood how horrible grief was. Don't get me wrong. I was sad when my grandpa died...that hurt me. I was sad and confused when my ex husband died. But I did not grieve as I am grieving the death of dad. I feel like part of me is just no longer there. I can't quite put my finger on which part of me is missing. I just feel wrong. Does that make sense at all?

I look at the mountains when I am driving and they don't look right. It is almost as if there is a constant haze in front of my eyes. The sun is shining and the sky is blue but the colors aren't bright enough. I keep taking off my glasses and cleaning them but the lenses just don't get clean enough. I can't see any smudges but I know they must be there.

I can't cry. I need to. I can feel it inside me, growing and it has begun to consume my heart. Am I shutting down? Am I putting up a concrete barrier around my heart? I have nothing to give but I need to be able to give something. At the very least, my children need to have a mother that is capable of giving them the love and comfort they need. Do I have that within me? I can't be in a relationship because i am empty inside. That scares me. It really fucking scares me.

Will I ever get "me" back?

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