Healthy body, healthy spirit, healthy mothering. This is the journey I have set out on with my two amazing children.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Curried potatoes & chicken...yay!

So I have come to the realization that my mood can be clearly judged by the meals/foods/snacks that I prepare for my family each day. What I mean is this, during the 3 weeks immediately following dads' death my children ate a lot, and I do mean a LOT of ramen noodles and hot dogs. Momma did no cooking. I couldn't even force myself to make spaghetti for crying out loud. As my ex-boyfriend/friend put it, "this is the summer of top ramen."
So, now it has been 1 1/2 months since Dad died. The immediate shock is over. We are getting back to regular life-type stuff again. The kids go to school each day, Chelsey competed in her first volleyball game without Dad in the cheering section, we have ordered the marker for dads' grave etc...and I am back to cooking.

This was my first attempt at a new recipe since July 14. Momma made a very basic crock pot chicken and curried potatoes. The kids actually enjoyed this meal. I was not sure if they would like curry but they both completely cleared their plates and got to enjoy a popsicle for dessert. Yay! I will admit that the yellow color is a little off-putting. Actually I forgot that curry was such a stain inducing ingredient and I did not rinse the spatula quickly enough and now it is a beautiful yellow color rather than white. Well, we shall just consider it my reminder that life does go on.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

oh soooo happy and a little sad

That is how I felt today. School started today for Kelen and Nevaeh. Hooray!!! The bickering is no longer taking place in front of me all day long. I feel like skipping, seriously, I need to skip to release this joy.

Now the sad thing baby is in kindergarden. That was difficult. She is so darn independent. Dangit! That child is exactly like me. Crap. Once we got to the school she just marched on ahead of mom and I (Grandma Marlene walked her to school today too) looking like she was ready to take over. She is ready for "brubber" as she calls Kelen, to walk her to school without momma's help.

As for Kelen he is not quite as excited about the new school. He does not like the cafeteria, apparently it is too "white". Art class was not fun because they had to sit on stools that are "really uncomfortable" and they did not give him enough time to finish whatever it was he was making. Whatever he was making is top secret. Don't bother asking. Because if he tells you and he refused to tell me I will be an unhappy momma. :)

Monday, August 20, 2007

pity party

Seriously, when do these freaking mood swings go away!? I felt pretty darn good after going to see Dad and grandma. Dad is finally going to get his will taken care of which is great! monika and I managed not to kill each other or the kids while trapped in the car together for 24 hours. That is serious progress!

Now. I feel like crying again. Why? Cuz I am pitiful thats why.

-my flipping car is gonna cost around $1100 to fix
-I dropped my college classes because I have no money to pay for them and the rat bastards at the school screwed up my financial aid
-i have not had a cigarette and I really really really want one
-i have no boyfriend and no prospects
-get a call to go out but see the first complaint: i have no car and therefore no way to get downtown
-i miss dad and i can't get to the cemetary to visit him

this sucks!

Friday, August 17, 2007

in Michigan

Well Monika sent me a text on Wednesday afternoon.

"Want to go to michigan and see Dad?" it is Friday afternoon and i am back in Charlotte Michigan. The kids are out back playing, monika and Dad went to meijer to get some groceries so that we don't eat dad and grandma out of house and home, grandma and Ana are watching Paula Deen on the Food network and I am relaxing.

The neighbors have a pool and the kids are waiting (not so patiently) for one of us adults to give them the ok to jump in the water.

The plan for the day:

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I may go for a walk downtown and take some pictures for B. Dad, Monika & I might be heading down to the bar later if Great-grandma is willing to stay home with the kids.

Other than that. Nada. Life is sweet right now.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007


I am just so dam tired. I never really understood how horrible grief was. Don't get me wrong. I was sad when my grandpa died...that hurt me. I was sad and confused when my ex husband died. But I did not grieve as I am grieving the death of dad. I feel like part of me is just no longer there. I can't quite put my finger on which part of me is missing. I just feel wrong. Does that make sense at all?

I look at the mountains when I am driving and they don't look right. It is almost as if there is a constant haze in front of my eyes. The sun is shining and the sky is blue but the colors aren't bright enough. I keep taking off my glasses and cleaning them but the lenses just don't get clean enough. I can't see any smudges but I know they must be there.

I can't cry. I need to. I can feel it inside me, growing and it has begun to consume my heart. Am I shutting down? Am I putting up a concrete barrier around my heart? I have nothing to give but I need to be able to give something. At the very least, my children need to have a mother that is capable of giving them the love and comfort they need. Do I have that within me? I can't be in a relationship because i am empty inside. That scares me. It really fucking scares me.

Will I ever get "me" back?

Sunday, August 12, 2007

my day

What did I do today? Well, I forced myself to get out of bed this morning and I ran the stairs for 10 minutes. I really need to stop smoking. That lousy ten minutes almost killed me. I actually made it to church today, which was very good. I really needed to go. Ran into some friends of dads, one of his co-workers actually. They asked how all of us girls were doing, and mom. Said lots of people at Frontier have been asking him about mom and the girls. Apparently they are having (or did have) a bake sale and have a check (or will have) for mom, chelsey and kesha. That is so nice.

Met up with B & his friend Elizabeth and her son and nieces and nephews at the park. The kids had fun playing. It was so stinking hot though.

John, Monk & the kids stopped by and John took a look at my car. He wants to do a tune up before I take it in anywhere and get charged an arm and a leg. Maybe a tune up will do the trick. He said the engine is "jumping", basically not running right and it is as if the car simply isn't getting enough power. Still sounds like the frigging transmission to me but it would be wonderful if a tune up could fix the problem. Monika and I tried to explain my curse to John but he did not seem to believe us. I truly am cursed when it comes to cars. They HATE me. Dad knew this was true. He would've gotten a big kick out of the car giving me this grief. That made me a bit sad. Dad always took care of my cars, well, he always did most of it but made me help fix the darn things and now he can't do that anymore. These are the little things that keep sneaking up on me and making me want to go back to bed and not get up again.

I was not up to cooking tonight so we just had brats & french fries. Linda did make some chocolate chip cookies though and the kids loved those!

Now that it has stopped lightning outside I think I will run up to the cemetary. Well, first I gotta get the kids out of their showers, read their story and tuck them in...but then I am off to the cemetary.

Friday, August 10, 2007


I thought I was done crying over men. For freaking pete's sake, I am 32 years old not some stupid high school twit! I spend all of last month crying over dad dying and now I am the idiot that is crying over breaking up with B.

Total B.S. thats what this is. God I hope my car does get fixed tomorrow because if so I am taking off for Georgia. I don't want to be here.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

screw you

screw the world! I am angry and sad and I want to go talk to my dad. He doesn't care if i don't shower first, lucky man...he can't smell me.

Monday, August 06, 2007

down day

I need to find a place to live. It must have connections for my washer & dryer and I need to be able to have pets. Cats & dogs, preferably. Urgh! $ is my biggest concern right now as far as house hunting goes.

I was very down today. Did not get up to meet with my advisor at school. Barely managed to shower & drive to moms house. I did shower, but I did not wash my hair. That would take too much energy. Once I was at moms I did not do anything I was supposed to. I made a phone call to Mexico and then fell asleep on her bed.

Really all I wanted to do was to go see B, get a hug & kiss and then go back to bed.

Now I just want to go to sleep.