Healthy body, healthy spirit, healthy mothering. This is the journey I have set out on with my two amazing children.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

alone

I feel so segregated right now. My sisters both have someone to lean on. Physically lean on as well as emotionally. Mom is surrounded by her brothers, sisters & friends. All I could think after the service this morning (before the reception) was that I lost the one man I KNEW I could count on. I KNEW he loved me. I KNEW I could trust him not to hurt me. He would never leave my side during a crisis. But that man is dead. My dad is dead. It hurts me to think that. Who do I lean on now? I just feel so alone. I have nothing to give and I want that special someone like my sisters have. I just want to be held because I need it. I want someone to wrap me in their arms and I want to feel like they will never let go. If I ask for a hug I want to be hugged, I really don't need the rejection of having someone pull away from me right now.

My best friend since we were 13 years old came to dads service. I could tell she is worried about me. I tried to eat. I did. I ate 2 cherry tomatoes & 2 strawberries and I had to race to the bathroom to throw up. She has a family to take care of, she can't take care of me. Mom is grieving and can't take care of me.

I got Tom (my sisters best friend) to bring me home from the reception early. I could not be around all those people anymore. My brain feels like it is wrapped in spiderwebs. I cannot clear them away. I took a bath while listening to The Doors. That helped. Then I put in a nice mix of music in the cd player and crashed on the couch for 2 hours.

I know I should go up to moms to support her. She is the widow. I know this but I just cannot do it. I can feel a major freak out coming on and I know that Linda and her friends can deal with it. They will let me rage and vent and scream and curse and they will not take it personally. They will wrap me up in a cocoon of acceptance. This is what I need. They (although they barely even know me) are already meeting my needs before I know what those needs even are. I need a cigarette, they grab them. I need a drink of water and someone gets it for me because I felt like I was being held down by lead weights. The kitchen sink was miles away. They offer hugs just because they know I am sad. They let me talk because I need to. Nobody has given me crap about having to ask for help. Stacey's dad is dead. People with any emotional sensitivity know that I need help. I cannot think of what I need. My brain is not processing correctly. I have had to retype almost every sentence in this blog because I can't move my fingers correctly. Its those damn lead weights again. They have moved from my legs to my fingers. This sucks.

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