Healthy body, healthy spirit, healthy mothering. This is the journey I have set out on with my two amazing children.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

blech

blech is how I feel. my back hurts, my head hurts, my brain hurts. I need to take a shower but don't have the energy. i need to work out but just the thought of that ....yuck. my kids are so energetic it is driving me nuts. i know they are sad that grandpa died but they are not grieving the way the rest of us are and that makes it difficult. All I want to do is lie down somewhere, pull a blanket over my head and not move. i can't do that with 2 kids to take care of can i?

I need to apply for school today but i think i can do that online.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

alone

I feel so segregated right now. My sisters both have someone to lean on. Physically lean on as well as emotionally. Mom is surrounded by her brothers, sisters & friends. All I could think after the service this morning (before the reception) was that I lost the one man I KNEW I could count on. I KNEW he loved me. I KNEW I could trust him not to hurt me. He would never leave my side during a crisis. But that man is dead. My dad is dead. It hurts me to think that. Who do I lean on now? I just feel so alone. I have nothing to give and I want that special someone like my sisters have. I just want to be held because I need it. I want someone to wrap me in their arms and I want to feel like they will never let go. If I ask for a hug I want to be hugged, I really don't need the rejection of having someone pull away from me right now.

My best friend since we were 13 years old came to dads service. I could tell she is worried about me. I tried to eat. I did. I ate 2 cherry tomatoes & 2 strawberries and I had to race to the bathroom to throw up. She has a family to take care of, she can't take care of me. Mom is grieving and can't take care of me.

I got Tom (my sisters best friend) to bring me home from the reception early. I could not be around all those people anymore. My brain feels like it is wrapped in spiderwebs. I cannot clear them away. I took a bath while listening to The Doors. That helped. Then I put in a nice mix of music in the cd player and crashed on the couch for 2 hours.

I know I should go up to moms to support her. She is the widow. I know this but I just cannot do it. I can feel a major freak out coming on and I know that Linda and her friends can deal with it. They will let me rage and vent and scream and curse and they will not take it personally. They will wrap me up in a cocoon of acceptance. This is what I need. They (although they barely even know me) are already meeting my needs before I know what those needs even are. I need a cigarette, they grab them. I need a drink of water and someone gets it for me because I felt like I was being held down by lead weights. The kitchen sink was miles away. They offer hugs just because they know I am sad. They let me talk because I need to. Nobody has given me crap about having to ask for help. Stacey's dad is dead. People with any emotional sensitivity know that I need help. I cannot think of what I need. My brain is not processing correctly. I have had to retype almost every sentence in this blog because I can't move my fingers correctly. Its those damn lead weights again. They have moved from my legs to my fingers. This sucks.

Friday, July 20, 2007

I can't even think right now. I wanted to write but now I can't think.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

God please let this be over soon! I don't have much more to give. I can't be strong for everyone else, I am barely managing to keep myself from curling up into a ball and rolling into oncoming traffic.

I don't have the time, energy or patience to deal with other peoples problems. You don't like that I am stressed. Bite me. You have no empathy and can't manage to be giving, or be there for me when I am in crisis then you are not the kind of friend I need in my life.

Monday, July 16, 2007

now what?

So we have gotten Mom home. Yay! Dad's body is arriving via Continental Airlines tomorrow at 8pm. Frontier is going to do something very special for Dad and our family which I find absolutely amazing. We managed to pick a funeral home, we know which cemetary Dad wants to be buried in and we just need to pick a spot. He wants the closest one to his best friend Tuck. Mom picked one out but she forgot to ask if there were two plots available. I pointed out that we needed to check on this as I was pretty sure she wanted to be buried next to Dad. :) That kind of lightened our mood at the funeral home.

B has been absolutely wonderful, helping us out. Keeping me sane, answering phones, watching Kelen & Neva & just lots of stuff like that.

So far, we (the kids) are getting along pretty well. I am surprised at that as this is such a STRESSFUL and insane situation. Jake & Simone have been great, working with mom & us girls to take care of what needs to be done. I have to admit I was a little unsure of how that whole situation was going to play out and personally, I think we each deserve a pat on the back. Losing the one person that held us together, this could have gotten extremely ugly. Thank God that is not the case.

Tomorrow morning I need to go to the church to make some arrangements for the service, call and check on the life insurance, go to the funeral home (w/ mom, linda, monika, jake & simone) to finalize those plans, contact someone at Coors to let Dads old work buddies know about him, try again to track down Mike & Mary Willard etc...B and I are going to escape for a little while in the afternoon. We both need some death & funeral free time.

All I know is that this really sucks! I am going to start getting my own funeral plans in order because I'll be damned if I want my family to have to go through this crap!

Sunday, July 15, 2007

heartbroken

My dad is dead.

I don't want to accept this. But I know (in my head) that it is true. I have spent the day trying to get everybody through this. I have been working to get his body home to us as he died in Mexico.

My tears are killing me. My sisters' tears are killing me. My mothers tears are tearing apart what is left of my heart.

I want to hate someone right now. I need a punching bag.

I have thrown up twice today. I finally ate something at 11pm. A turkey sandwich. I have kept it down. I guess that means I will not die with dad. I want to though.

I want to yell at him for leaving us. I want to hear him laugh. I want to be called 'tacer'. Only my dad was allowed to call me that. I want to be held and never let go. I want to scream and curse and howl at the sun which is coming up.

It is 5:30 am and I have not gone to bed. I don't think I can. I will never want to leave my cave of a room again. I can't help it. I want to mourn and scream and cry and never stop. I don't want to be strong.

I want my mom. I want my dad to put his arms around me and tell me that 'life really sucks' but I will make it through this. He never really had to worry about his 'tacer, she's tough. But I'm not tough. I am weak. So very weak.

Friday, July 13, 2007

pish

We have gotten the flu. Blech. I was sick (puking) yesterday and now both kids have woken up with fevers. I am giving them silver, orange juice, airborne, fresh fruit & NO DAIRY! If there is any way they can get through this without vomiting I will find it!

So much for enjoying this beautiful weather...we are trapped here at home.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

apartment shopping

Well, I got an email from my cousin Marcy. (She has been keeping our 2 cats for us as Tom, my roommate is deathly allergic). Those darn cats are acting up, peeing on the floors and being little buggers. Anyway, B and I went and looked at 3 apartments today and I think I found one that I like. I also got the numbers for 3 or 4 duplexes that I am going to call on tomorrow or Monday. So, it looks like the kids' and I are going to be moving again after all. Unfortunately this is going to impact our trip to Texas and Georgia. SUCK!! I will have to figure out our money situation before making any definite plans to travel. The cost of gas and food once we are down there are going to be the biggest pitfalls.

And on a totally different topic...The kids and I were wrestling tonight before bedtime (as we tend to do most nights) when Kelen started wrestling with B; Kel decided to screw around and kept calling B 'daddy'. He was doing it on purpose, that little instigator. Anyway, when I was tucking the kids into bed I talked to him about it and told him that I know he misses his Daddy but that trying to freak B out is not going to make his sadness go away. I explained (yet again) that B is NOT Daddy and is NOT trying to be his daddy and that this is ok. Kelen started to cry and cry because he "really misses Daddy". This set Nevaeh off too.

AUGHHHHH!!! When is this going to end? Will it ever end? Will I ever figure out how to handle all of this without further traumatizing and screwing up my kids'?

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

4th of July

The kids and I are having a cookout today. Right now, I am making their lunch. Well, actually Neva & I are making lunch while Kelen is helping make the cucumber salad. We bought stuff for hamburgers & hotdogs for later. Seeing as it is holiday, I even let the kids get some punch. Pure sugar crap. I am not gonna make them drink healthy juice today. Why bother?

Chelsey & Kesha are going to spend the night as Dad is overnighting in Tulsa and Mom is on a flight somewhere. I gotta pick them up around 2pm. We can walk to the local elementary school to watch the fireworks once it gets dark.

I wish I could post pictures but I have still not found my box that contains all the cords for my cameras. That really sucks.

Anyway, I hope everybody has a wonderful and safe 4th of July!

same old same old

my brain hurts. my head hurts. my stomach hurts. my heart hurts.

blurgh.

I just spent the past 2 hours scrubbing the kitchen, blaring Coal Chamber, The Doors and NIN. Good news: The floor has been mopped. The walls are cleaned. The microwave is clean. The stove vent is clean. The cupboard doors are clean. The top of the fridge is clean.
Bad news: I am still upset.

Have I been wasting my time? I do not know.

I don't like thinking about all of the reasons a man would have to think twice about being with me. I know I come with baggage. I know that I am a single mom with two YOUNG children. I know what I look like. I just don't like second guessing myself. Am I that repulsive? Are we that bad? Am I that bitter and hateful? Am I that boring? Are my kids really a problem or are they just being kids?

Linda brought me some chocolate (which was very sweet of her) but if I eat it I will throw up. She said she will watch the kids tomorrow afternoon so that I can get out for awhile. I think I will take her up on that. I just need some time to myself. Perhaps Barnes & Noble, a good book and some chai tea will help to clear my head.

I need to cry.

Monday, July 02, 2007

mood swings

My son seems to be suffering from mood swings. One minute he loves hanging out with B and the next he is Mr. Attitude, letting B know (in no uncertain terms) that his presence is neither wanted nor needed. Its as if he suddenly feels guilty for having fun with B and then has to treat him like dirt. This inconsistency drives me crazy! I know that Kelen is not used to seeing momma with a man and this is part of it. Also, he is at the age where he is pulling away from his momma and trying to act like a "man", or at least what he thinks men should act like. And then of course he comes running back to me. I have to keep reminding myself that this is perfectly normal behavior and that he will get through it. The question is:

Will B and I survive this craziness?