Healthy body, healthy spirit, healthy mothering. This is the journey I have set out on with my two amazing children.

Monday, April 16, 2007

selfish

My head is throbbing. My eyes are swollen from crying. Of course that is why my freaking head is throbbing. I tried to study today but could not focus on my trig so I crawled into bed with my daughter, pulled the covers up over my head and went to sleep. Great solution huh? Marissa has told me that lovely saying about letting something (someone) go and if they come back to you, then blahblahblah...I know she is right and I am so blessed to have her to walk through this with me. I know this is what God has been telling me to do but I don't want to listen. I just wanted to finally have fallen in love with a man who will love me back, a man that wants to be with me and no one else. I didn't think I would choose a man who is conflicted over another woman. Again! Again, I have to spell out that this is not ok!?
Dammit! I clearly suck at relationships. He feels guilty about our relationship. What in the world have I gotten myself into this time? Now I'm the other woman?!? He can't tell this supposed "friend" about us. She gets to go out to dinner with my man? Go for walks with him at night? I give up.

I believe I know Gods will in this matter, He has told me but I just don't want to follow it. I have been praying about this for 2 months now. TWO MONTHS!!! I have tried to be patient, not to nag but for crying out loud, how long am I supposed to wait for this man to realize what he has? Why don't my feelings and thoughts ever count for anything? I did that for 2 years with R and I just can't stand the thought of going through it anymore. I know what I want, of course and I have been praying faithfully but that is not what God is giving me. I just feel like I am never going to learn my lesson when it comes to relationships with men. Why? As Marissa told me, I need to pray that God guides B wherever He wants him to go and not worry about if it includes me or not. I need to put my focus on God, apparently I still have not learned this lesson. But no matter what, although I know in my head that she is right, I still just want one of those relationships like I read about in the bible. I am so tired of doing it all by myself. I feel like my whole life I have had to be strong for somebody else. Why is it selfish of me to want someone to be strong for me and my kids? I don't want to have to tell anyone how to treat me. Why do I need to explain yet again that I feel disrespected? How am I ever going to teach my kids that men don't all suck when that is all they have ever seen? Men that abandon their families like daddy did because hey, all those strippers and whores are out there waiting, or men that sit on their lazy butts and expect a woman to be their maid like Papa or men that have to be told, like a child that it is NOT OK to go out with other women! I almost wish I were still unsaved because then I did not know (or care) about what I was missing out on. And I got to have some great sex. Now, I am alone, I know how God has designed relationships to be and I am apparently never going to have sex again. Great. I always wanted to be mother teresa.

How pitiful and selfish am I?
Currently listening to: Crazy-Patsy Cline