Healthy body, healthy spirit, healthy mothering. This is the journey I have set out on with my two amazing children.

Monday, April 30, 2007

Trig test

Ok. I got the results of my trig test today. i got another C+. But this time I am happy about it. i got a 39 on the test (78%) while the class average was 36 (72%). So, while this is definitely NOT a good score I am doing ok. Again i made stupid errors that just tick me off. I need about 20 more minutes in the class and then I could go back and check my calculations. I am setting up most of the problems correctly but i do a subtraction error or multiplication error resulting in an incorrect final answer. SUCK! i also lost 3 points because i did not have time to finish the final problem. Mr. Petry did give me 1/4 points for that problem because i started setting up the problem on my scratch paper. yay for Mr. Petry!

Anyway, i am just killing time waiting for my study buddy (Kirk) to get out of his last am class so i can help him study for his algebra final. Don't they say that one of the best ways to master a subject is to teach it to others? Hmmm...we shall see if that works.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Vermontville Maple Syrup Festival








The kids and I went to the syrup festival this afternoon. We had so much fun! The kids rode all sorts of rides, which is what almost all of the pictures are of. They had a blast on the bumper cars. Neva loved the roller coaster. Kelen rode it once with her but then decided he didn't like it. After that Nevaeh got in line all by herself. There was another little girl in line who didn't have anyone to ride with so Neva just took her by the hand and they rode together! So sweet. Now the kids are all hopped up on elephant ears and candy and pop. Too bad Papa! Momma is going to bible study tonight. Heehee.

As for me, a good lookin' tattooed man on a Harley offered me a ride but like the good Christian girl I am...I said no. Kelen told him "my momma can't go with you, where would me and sissy sit?" That did make me think how much I miss riding on the back of a motorcycle. It has been way too many years. Too many years since I have been riding and too many years since I have gotten a new tattoo. After writing that I can just imagine what some of you are thinkin'. What a horrible example for those kids! Tattoos and motorcycles! What kind of a mother is she?!? Let me add some fuel to that fire and say that Neva went up to a total stranger and told her that she really liked her tattoo. (The woman had a dragon wrapped around her lower leg, an absolutely gorgeous piece of ink). This led Nevaeh and I to a discussion of when she could get a tattoo. I told her, as I always do, that she has to be 18 years old and out of high school. Kelen didn't seem to care about all the tats, he was more interested in the piercings. Apparently he can't wait until he can get something pierced. Him liking that particular body modification did not come from me.

Prepare yourselves all ye conservative family members! My little ones shall be full of holes and ink!

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Another day in paradise

That is how I feel. Everyone else seems down, feeling blah because it is cloudy and rainy. But not me, I am loving this weather! No heat to make my brain hurt. Perfect weather to walk in, as long as you have an umbrella or don't mind rain spots on your glasses. Personally, today i brought an umbrella because i don't want my hair to be dripping all over me during classes. Then it drips on my papers and I get annoyed. Today I am all about avoiding the little things that annoy me. I took my chapter 7-8 test in trig and I think i did ok. I know I screwed up on two problems that were worth a combined 8% of my total score but if he gives me partial credit for the work I did get done then I may actually get a B on this test. Of course, I have thought that before and then I got my usual C's so...we shall wait and see. I am about to head to the cafeteria to meet a friend to study for our sign language final. I also need to remember to cancel my chiropractor appointment for tomorrow morning because kelen is doing a story presentation in front of his class and i have been invited to watch. This weekend is going to be set aside for studying for the final in my class on deaf culture. I will be signing whenever I am talking so I know that will drive some people nuts. Oh well, is my thought on that. Close your eyes if you don't want to see me sim-comming. (And yes sim-comming has an actual meaning for those who don't know much about interpreting-Its not another one of my crazy made up words).

Two more weeks of school after today. So if I am even more short tempered than usual please forgive me. I will try very hard not to behave like a total lunatic during this last rush of papers, journals, studying and finals. Also if you do not hear from me or I am sending your phone calls straight to voice mail, please do not take it personally. There are going to be some days where I will only accept phone calls from Jesus Himself. I wonder what area code He would call from?

Sunday, April 22, 2007

i understand

I understand why parents abandon all hope. Nothing works with my kids. Do any of you parents ever feel that way? Can you understand or will you just judge me for stating this honestly?

Just yesterday Nevaeh loses her picnic in the park for lying to me about picking up her room. The clothes were all shoved under the bed. So today, the kids are making sandwiches for a picnic and what do I find? Oh yes, you guessed it. Towels from last nights showers, pajamas, dress up clothes, hotwheels cars all hidden behind the bed. I give up. Grandma has told them if they can keep their room picked up for 10 days in a row she will get them a gift of their choice. She even sent them little calendars to mark off their days. This is not working. I do appreciate her trying to help me though.
- Spanking them does not work.
-Putting them in time out does not work.
-Yelling does not work.
-Ignoring the problem will not work.
-Taking away the crap that is on the floor is not working. At this rate my children are not going to have any toys or books left.
-Talking to them is like that "Bill Cosby Himself" stand up show. What do they say? " I dunno" or "I didn't do it" or "Its not mine she/he did it". I used to find that show so funny. Now, I am just frustrated because it is so true. And I know if Dad is reading this he is laughing so hard he is probably crying. He always wanted me to have kids that act just like I did. Well congratulations Dad. I have given birth to the worlds two most stubborn children ever. I honestly believe they make me look like a sweet-natured little shirley temple wannabe. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WHEN THEY ARE TEENAGERS!?!?

I can't afford to get rid of the clothes they keep leaving out. And of course they know this. So now what do I do? I am abandoning ship. Papa can watch the kids today. I quit. I am going to Starbucks and I am going to drink way too many calories and buy books that I really cannot afford at the Barnes & Noble. And if I pass a halfway decent looking tattoo shop I am getting inked. Perhaps a sinking ship, that would be fitting.

Currently listening to: Coldplay 'Spies'

Friday, April 20, 2007

Spring!

Hooray! It is another gorgeous spring day. Feels pretty warm outside, I have the front door open so there is a nice, cool stream of fresh air flowing through the house. Nevaeh and I dragged up the giant tub filled with summer clothes. I love seeing how much the kids have grown since last summer. It amazes me. So far only Nevaeh has tried on the clothes but we already have quite a pile for our yard sale next month. I know Kelen has grown quite a bit so I have a feeling I am going to be shopping for summer clothes for him. Nevaeh doesn't need much, she still has so many clothes that Anakin and Akira have given her. I can hear the washing machine chugging away and Nevaeh is playing quietly under the dining room table with one of the cats. Soon, Neva and I are going to the park for a picnic lunch. We are taking the soccer ball, basketball and I believe, she wants to play badminton also. :) She is waiting patiently for momma because I told her we could not leave until we had sorted through the summer clothes, done 2 loads of laundry and packed 1-2 more boxes upstairs in our bedrooms. At this rate I will be all packed and ready to move home the day Kelen gets out of school! Yay! Colorado here we come!

Currently listening to: Nevaeh humming to the cat

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

withdrawal

I am an idiot. I was stressing out this weekend over all the crap with B and I went and bought a pack of cigarettes. I smoked that pack in a 24 hour period of time. Now, the Stacey that smoked for 17 years would have had no problem with a pack a day. That was what I used to smoke. But I hadn't had a cigarette since before Thanksgiving. So thats what? 5 months without a cigarette. Ack! I am paying for it now. My head hurts. I have that horrid sensation where you can feel the blood moving in your body and it is SCREAMING for nicotine. Yuck. I must never smoke again. It just isn't worth it.

Oh and if anyone cares I got a C+ on my trig test.

Currently listening to: Uniqua and Tasha singing some hula song on The Backyardigans

Monday, April 16, 2007

selfish

My head is throbbing. My eyes are swollen from crying. Of course that is why my freaking head is throbbing. I tried to study today but could not focus on my trig so I crawled into bed with my daughter, pulled the covers up over my head and went to sleep. Great solution huh? Marissa has told me that lovely saying about letting something (someone) go and if they come back to you, then blahblahblah...I know she is right and I am so blessed to have her to walk through this with me. I know this is what God has been telling me to do but I don't want to listen. I just wanted to finally have fallen in love with a man who will love me back, a man that wants to be with me and no one else. I didn't think I would choose a man who is conflicted over another woman. Again! Again, I have to spell out that this is not ok!?
Dammit! I clearly suck at relationships. He feels guilty about our relationship. What in the world have I gotten myself into this time? Now I'm the other woman?!? He can't tell this supposed "friend" about us. She gets to go out to dinner with my man? Go for walks with him at night? I give up.

I believe I know Gods will in this matter, He has told me but I just don't want to follow it. I have been praying about this for 2 months now. TWO MONTHS!!! I have tried to be patient, not to nag but for crying out loud, how long am I supposed to wait for this man to realize what he has? Why don't my feelings and thoughts ever count for anything? I did that for 2 years with R and I just can't stand the thought of going through it anymore. I know what I want, of course and I have been praying faithfully but that is not what God is giving me. I just feel like I am never going to learn my lesson when it comes to relationships with men. Why? As Marissa told me, I need to pray that God guides B wherever He wants him to go and not worry about if it includes me or not. I need to put my focus on God, apparently I still have not learned this lesson. But no matter what, although I know in my head that she is right, I still just want one of those relationships like I read about in the bible. I am so tired of doing it all by myself. I feel like my whole life I have had to be strong for somebody else. Why is it selfish of me to want someone to be strong for me and my kids? I don't want to have to tell anyone how to treat me. Why do I need to explain yet again that I feel disrespected? How am I ever going to teach my kids that men don't all suck when that is all they have ever seen? Men that abandon their families like daddy did because hey, all those strippers and whores are out there waiting, or men that sit on their lazy butts and expect a woman to be their maid like Papa or men that have to be told, like a child that it is NOT OK to go out with other women! I almost wish I were still unsaved because then I did not know (or care) about what I was missing out on. And I got to have some great sex. Now, I am alone, I know how God has designed relationships to be and I am apparently never going to have sex again. Great. I always wanted to be mother teresa.

How pitiful and selfish am I?
Currently listening to: Crazy-Patsy Cline

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

She's a big girl now



My little Nevaeh can now ride her bike without training wheels. She was determined to be able to ride her bike with the big kids in the neighborhood and now she can. Papa took the training wheels off and it took her about one hour, plenty of crashes and a few tears but now she can ride her bike. After a really big wipeout today she told me she was glad I made her wear a helmet and she asked to wear her brothers elbow and knee pads because she did a really good job scraping them up.

I told mom about this today and she reminded me that I didn't know how to ride a bike until I was 9 years old. That turned into a discussion about my lack of athletic ability. Mom says it wasn't that I couldn't ride a bike but more that I wouldn't. She said that around that time her and Dale (Linda's dad) and the other kids liked to go for bike rides and as I didn't like Dale (at the time-sorry but I was a HUGE brat!) and not riding was my way of controlling things. Now who would ever think of ME as being controlling!?! :) This of course reminded us both of how I used to LOVE to play soccer. I was also really good, believe it or not. Mom took me off the team though after reading about kids getting blood clots and strokes etc...from being kicked. I was always covered in bruises because I was an aggressive player. I told her if she took me off the team I would never do any sports again, and I really haven't ever since. How sad is that? I really was (am?) a stubborn little monster.

Hmmm. I wonder if that is where my Neva Grace gets this lovely attitude of hers?

Thursday, April 05, 2007

First random words

1. Beer: blech
2. Anorexic: hungry
3. Relationships: difficult
4. Your Last Ex: dead
5. Power Rangers: cheesy
6. Pot: green and smelly
7. Clowns: send in the...
8. Color: in people unimportant, on walls...necesarry
9. The President: jackass
10. Sex: i miss it
11. Cars: a royal pain in the patootie
12. Gas Prices: are here to stay...quit yer bitchin!
13. Halloween: my favorite holiday! fun fun fun
14. Bon Jovi: slippery when wet
15. Religion: destroys peace
16. Myspace: good for keeping in touch with me hermanas
17. Worst fear: not living up to my potential
18. Marriage: was a joke
19. Paris Hilton: slut
20. Brunettes: we rock!
21. Redheads: all redheaded men are sexy!
22: Politics: waste of time and money
23: Pass the time: with good music and a good book
24. One night stands: no longer worth the hassle
25: Cell Phone: my lifeline to colorado where my life is
27: Pixie Stix: nasty colored sugar
28. Vanilla Ice Cream: only good with caramel or strawberries on top of it
29: Port a Potties: smell horrid
30: High School: over a decade ago
31. Pajamas: comfy
32. Wood: i love the smell of a wood burning fireplace
33. Wet Socks: feel awful in your shoes
34. Alcohol: preferably something with vodka, thank you
35. HATE: too many things to list
36. Your best friends: rissa and linda
37. Money: the best things in life are free...but you can give them to the birds and the bees...i want money...that's what i want (Can you name the band?)
38. Heartache: i've had a few
39. Love: is amazing if you both work at it
40. Time: needs to speed up so it'll be June and I can be home in Colorado

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

my world keeps tilting

Have you ever noticed how one little word can drive you crazy? I have had a hard day, just a bit stressed out. Studying for my trig test, entertaining the kids (who are on spring break). Mom is gonna fly out here to kick my ass if I send R's blanket per his moms' request. Nevaeh almost cried because she doesn't want to send daddys blanket away. She sleeps with it almost everyday. That is why mom doesn't want me to send the blanket to R's grandma.
blurgh

anyway, I got off topic. After the day I had, I talked to B for over an hour and was in a really great mood. He always cheers me up, even when he isn't trying. And then I get on the computer and start reading a few things and BOOM!!! I read one stupid word that just deflates me. How pitiful am I? What is the word? Well, I am not gonna tell you that. Some of you may be able to figure it out, as you know what I have been struggling with for the past month or so.
Still it sucks that a day can be great, smooth, overall really rather lovely and then one tiny, little word can suck all the loveliness away. Here are just a few examples:

cancer divorce dead cheater fight money debt overdue test dementia struggle her him we have to talk unimportant patronizing callous unwanted unloved

sheesh! how pathetic am i?
currently listening: Michael Andrews "Mad World" -donnie darko soundtrack

Monday, April 02, 2007

condescension

What I did today.
-Up at 5:30am to work out and get ready for school.
-Start a load of clothes. Take out the trash. Feed cats & fish.
-On the road by 7am, attend trig from 8:10-9:15am
-Home at 10am. Make breakfast for myself. Empty dishwasher and wash breakfast dishes (mine as well as dads & the kids)
-Homework for Deafness class. Call every ob/gyn in the Lansing phone book.
-Make lunch for kids. Stop their fighting, send them to take naps.
-Clean fish tank (40 mins)
-Clean kids' bedroom. Sort through toys, pack all their books. Sweep and mop bedroom floor. Make their beds with new sheets & blankets. This takes about 5 hours. They are losing their toys until we move because they won't take care of their stuff.
-Sort, wash, dry & fold 4 more loads of laundry.
-Help Neva w/ her shower, get her ready for bed. (35 mins)
-Online math homework (45 mins)
-Math book work (7:30pm-11:35pm)


So you tell me, mr condescending smarty-pants. Where is all this free time that I supposedly have? What with me not working and all. Single mom of 2, college student, caretaker for dad...of course I have a completely open schedule. I don't "really work" do I?

Putz.

frustrated day 2

ARGH!! I think I am losing my mind!
The kids have been sent to take a nap because they were arguing, bickering, fighting non-stop. Once this escalated into hitting each other I sent them to bed. Are they too old for naps? Perhaps but the other option was for me to scream at the top of my lungs and that is definitely not the best solution. So now my house is quiet.

The only problem is...my math teacher has not posted todays homework online yet. We have problems that have to be done on the computer and then we know which problems we have to do in our gigantic books. I have been checking the site every 30 minutes for the past 4 hours and he has yet to post the homework. Now, normally this would simply be aggravating. Today though it is an actual problem. We need the homework for the last 2 sections of chapter 5 which are both due tomorrow at 8am. The next day (wednesday) we have our chapter 5 test. I am going to be such a raging witch in class if I get stuck doing 2 sections of homework AND studying for this test tomorrow night because he forgot to post the homework. So, the point is...I have a quiet house, time to do my homework but can't access said work. I left Mr. Petry a message at school and at home but if he does not post til he gets home then we can't even start the work until 6pm. That is dinnertime which means I am doing trig at 8pm (once dinner and dishes are done). Two sections is about 4 hours of work.

Can anybody remind me why I thought college and taking care of my family at the same time were not only possible but a good idea?

Currently listening: Blue October "Calling You"

Sunday, April 01, 2007

frustration

I am feeling so freaking frustrated tonight.

Why must I repeat the same thing over and over and over and over to my kids? Are they incapable of learning? of listening? Can they not hear me? Perhaps my voice is like the sonar of a bat and my kids just don't hear a single thing that comes out of my mouth. That would explain why day after day after day I have to tell them to shut the curtain to the shower. But once again, they get in the shower, turn on the water and flood my bathroom floor. Why? Because I didn't tell them (yet again before they even entered the bathroom) to make sure the shower curtain is shut!? NOPE! I definitely did tell them!

Don't touch the blinds in the bathroom. But I go in and the blinds are all screwed up. Why? They were like that momma. Well, no actually they weren't, son, I made sure they were fixed before I even told you to take a shower. But hey, go ahead and lie to my face again. I just LOOOOOVVVEEE that.

AUGHHHH!!! I do NOT want to be momma tonight. I want to go out. I want to smoke. I want a drink.

Currently listening to Good Charlotte: Keep Your Hands Off My Girl