Healthy body, healthy spirit, healthy mothering. This is the journey I have set out on with my two amazing children.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

vulnerable again

After the end of my marriage I was determined to live the rest of my life alone, there would be no love, no vulnerability. Now don't misunderstand. I did want revenge against R. And the only way to get revenge would be to be with a new man. I figured since he hurt me with other women then clearly the best way for me to hurt him would be through other men. It didn't work. I tried but just could not make myself act that way. So, I decided that I wanted NOTHING to do with men. I was hurt and felt that avoiding the opposite sex (other than family members) was the easiest and least complicated way to live my life. Even after forgiving R and trying to become friends with him (for the kids' sake) I still always believed I would be alone for the rest of my life.

B has changed my mind. Or I should say I have changed my mind because of B. He accepts me for who I am. Doesn't hold my many, many, many faults against me. He is ok with my fascination with Prince. Listens to my ranting and raving about how my father's behavior is driving me crazy. Appreciates and shares my love of knowledge, reading and learning. I don't know if this is a good thing, but we both spend way too much $ on books and cds. We have known each other for over ten years (according to him-I can't remember exactly when we first met, sometimes it seems we have known each other forever) so he knows a lot of my past, my very un-christian past. That doesn't seem to effect the way he feels about me. Other than my sisters and my mom, he is the only person in the last 9 years that has told me I am pretty and I don't have to wait for the punchline. And more importantly, I actually want to believe him. That alone is a huge leap of faith for me.

It is really a lot more difficult than I remember, this whole relationship thing. Honesty has never been difficult for me. But its that pesky speaking the truth in love that I find incredibly challenging. In the past it was...he hurts me, so I hurt him. He called me names I was more than happy to yell some choice words at him. You shove me I pick myself up and shove right back. I pray that I have learned from my horrid mistakes in past relationships.

But now I find myself questioning my own thoughts more often than I did in the past. I truly don't want to be defensive and hurtful. But this leads to "Is what I am thinking right? Is it biblically sound? Am I jealous and overreacting? Am I reading too much into the situation BECAUSE of my last relationship?" These thoughts are haunting me.

Blech! enough baring my soul for today.

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