Healthy body, healthy spirit, healthy mothering. This is the journey I have set out on with my two amazing children.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Snow!

What a beautiful day! We got 10 inches of snow on Christmas Day and now, two days later we are getting slammed with some more snow. They are saying 8 more inches but I am thinking maybe more than that. Woooohooooo!

My brother-in-law got sent home from work (which almost never happens-apparently the snow is bad enough to shut down the rig today) so he drove to my house and picked up the kids and I. He was worried about us being snowed in and possibly running out of food. My sister married a good man. So, now we are at her house, the kids just shoveled the driveway and are now making peppermint hot cocoa. Grandma is visiting from Michigan (she canceled her flight for today and is heading home next week instead). Monk & her husband & Vader are at Vader's first physical therapy appointment since her ACL Reconstruction.

I brought a new book to read and if we are lucky Kelens Nintendo DS will arrive today. I saw the UPS truck roaming the streets and I hope he gets to us today. I think I shall make beef stroganoff for dinner, that is a nice comforting cold weather food.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

blurgh

Thats right! blurgh. Blurgh i the way I have been feeding my children lately. We have eaten wayyyy too many times at fast "food" burger places. When we have been home I have made eggs and bacon. Thats it. Eggs and bacon. We had bacon today for a snack and then Monkey & J took us to Bennigans where my chicken (which I was sure was supposed to be grilled) ended up being fried AND there was a freaking piece of shrimp in my rice. So basically i could not really eat my lunch. The server was awesome and brought me a piece of grilled chicken but by then we were ready to leave. Now my awesome son and I are on our way to the movie, we are gonna see fred claus.

Monday, November 26, 2007

i miss dad

i miss dad today. well, i miss dad everyday but there are moments in certain days where it is painful again. why today? because it is cold. Dad would be so happy that he was not sweatin' like a pig at work. we had that in common. we both hate heat. well he did hate heat, now he hates nothing. lucky duck.



i need to finish some laundry and watch 'heroes'. if I am lucky they will show young Milo without a shirt and maybe, just maybe baby, a bit of my sadness will wash away in dreams of his washboard abs.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving rocked! The kids and I made so many great dishes. We started on Tuesday, with all of the chopping and pre-mixing and anything else that I could do ahead of time. I made all of the appetizers (goat peckers & cheery tomato bites) Wednesday night after the kids went to sleep. That was a surprise for the kids.

I made my usual harvest stuffing w/ pecans, apples & whole wheat bread; a 24 hour salad with a dill dressing that Kelen made this year; pink stuff; cranberry-apple pie; parmesan-herb muffins; twice baked potatoes w/ gruyere & prosciutto; orange ale spritzer; & gravy. Nevaeh & Kelen actually made the pink stuff this year and they also made a very yummy cream cheese apple crisp. Kelen is learning to use the knife to chop vegetables & fruits so he did all the chopping for that dessert.

My turkey was delicious! I brined it on Wednesday and cooked it today with some sundried tomatoes, garlic, lemon & rosemary and oooowheee! so good and so moist. Unfortunately I have lost my camera again and therefore I have no pictures to post. *tear*

Actually, that reminds me of something. I never did post our halloween pictures and now that that darn camera has sprouted legs and fled from me I may never get to post them. Sorry for that, cuz the kids looked pretty good in their costumes this year. Kel was a phantom skeleton and Nevaeh was a vampire bride. Very cool.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Pumpkin pickin' time






What fun we had at the pumpkin patch with Kelen's class. We visited the petting zoo, picked our own pumpkins, got lost in the awesome corn maze & played tag in the hay bale maze. We could not have asked for better weather. It was sunny with no wind & although the fields were a bit muddy we all wore boots so no big deal. Besides the boys loved picking all that mud out of their boots (and momma's too).

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

the zoo




Free day at the zoo last week. I decided, when we picked Kelen up from school that we should go. What a great way to spend the afternoon. Kelen gets out of school relatively early (2:10) so we had almost 2 1/2 hours to see the animals. The snakes were the favorites this trip. Kelen is really into learning about pythons, ever since he did a report on them in 1st grade.
I am going to try to find the picture mom has of me when I was around their age, standing next to the "How far can YOU jump?" sign. That thing has been there forever. Well, obviously as mom has a picture of me jumping and now I have the same picture of my two babies. That is pretty cool.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

moved

Just an fyi. The kids and I have moved. They did switch schools. I am still not unpacked (after 3 weeks). I am too tired/lazy/exhausted/emotionally empty/busy to take pictures and write a real blog about our new place. I will tho. *yawning* I am just not up to it right now. Notice how I was too tired to type the entire word before? *yawn*

Monday, October 01, 2007

Strawberry fields 'til the first frost






What a fun time we had at the Berry Patch Farm. Picking raspberries right off the bushes & popping them into our mouths. I forgot just how amazing a fresh raspberry tastes. They were so sweet I could have happily stayed there all day. But next we were off to the strawberry plants. Yum! These berries were so sweet. All of the kids had a blast learning how to pick the berries and Nevaeh was absolutely delighted to be picking with Grandma and Momma. She kept running back and forth between the two of us. She was so proud that we were both there with her on her special day.


We also went on a nature walk, wearing bug glasses with special lenses that gave us a bugs' eye view of the plants on the farm. We found butterflies, flies, bees, millers, ladybugs, spiders & some sort of crawling thing that I don't want to think about. We learned all about how the bugs' help the organic farmer with crop protection. Ladybugs eat aphids, bees pollinate plants & flowers, worms help w/ composting etc...


Turns out the farm is organic, which I did not know. Mom bought us both some unfiltered honey, roasted anaheim peppers & a quart of strawberries (that we picked). Delicious. I am so excited to find a local farm for buying the organic, unfiltered honey. The kids and I try to eat at least 1 spoonful of local honey everyday to help ward off seasonal allergies and yay! Now I found some that is organic and I can support our economy all at the same time. Woo hoo! Those little things really brighten up my day, ya know?

rockin', rollin' & cub scoutin'






Kelen is once again in the Cub Scouts. These are a few of the activities from his first official den meeting as a Wolf scout. Looks like fun huh? The theme for September was trains so the boys made train tracks out of pretzel sticks, using frosting as the "glue". That was a delicious and fun part of the meeting. Then it was outside for tumbling time! The boys practiced somersaults (both front, back and from standing), walking on boards (front, back, fast & slow). Not that you can tell from these photos but I did finally get those darn patches sewed on his shirt. Well, sewing is a bit of a stretch. Ok, to say that I sewed the patches on would be an out and out lie. I bought the greatest sticky, no-sew stuff at the Scout store. It even has the patches (most of them) pre-outlined and perforated so I didn't even have to trace the little boogers onto the paper before cutting it out. This is amazing! Now, don't think I am too lazy. I still have to sew the patches onto his brag rag because the sticky stuff does not work right on the felt but I also bought myself some super-strong needles. The kind that are made to sew through leather, fur, tapestries etc...not even I can break those babies! Yeah!

As for the first picture, that is my Neva playing guitar. She really wants an electric guitar for Christmas, to which I have said no. Instead she is practicing on the guitar I bought Akira a while back. This will have to do for the time being. She looks like a natural doesn't she?

Thursday, September 20, 2007

rot in hades martha

I loathe Martha Stewart. And Donna Reed and Mrs. Cosby and the lady from the how to quilt show on PBS. Damn sewers. (That should be read as sew-ers not soo-ers as in the stinky place filled with crap).

I broke a needle (my last one) while trying to sew Kelen's pushcart derby patch onto his Cub Scouts brag rag. *sigh*

Monday, September 17, 2007

leftovers

We are not having leftovers because I am in a down mood. On the contrary, today has been a good day. Kelen started his first day at Vanderhoof and he loved it. I really like his teacher and one of the dads already came up to me and introduced himself and invited Kel to tomorrow nights cub scouts meeting. Neva had dance so we are rushed tonight. Leftovers are quick, Kelen's lunch is already made and it is time for Prison Break. That Wentworth Miller is the hottest preppie lookin' man I ever did see. *heart fluttering*

Saturday, September 15, 2007

natural soda & free range chickens make for good dinner
















My sis and current roommate, L and I are sick. So I made homemade chicken noodle soup from a free range chicken and many, many organic vegies. I also recently discovered this yummy natural soda which comes in many yummy flavors. I don't have to feel so guilty about letting my kids have pop if they drink this stuff. No caffeine, no artificial colors or preservatives, none of that ucky high fructose corn syrup. Yay for "healthy" soda. I know that is a bit of an oxymoron but it makes me feel a bit better about my mommying skills.

And while I am thinking about it, the crockpot is a busy, single momma's best friend. Well, that and a good vibrator but that is a whole other kettle o' fish. I can throw the ingredients into this bad boy and several hours if not a whole day later I have a healthy meal for my kids. Hooray!

Friday, September 14, 2007

moving

Yep. The kids and I are moving once again. I found an apartment for rent that has a big back yard for the kids to play in. It's really more of a duplex than an apartment but for some reason it is not called a duplex. Oh well, that doesn't really matter. Anyway, I am so psyched about this move for the following reasons:
-it is only about a mile away from where we currently live
-I won't have to have any roommates (I love you L & T but I am too old to live with
20- somethings)
-utilities are included in the rent
-I can walk around nekkid in my living room (as long as kids are sleeping of course)
-kids and I can take baths once again without bothering anyone else
-the school kids will be going to is A LOT better than where they currently are
-I can leave my quilting crap out w/ nobody moving it, same goes for games we are playing,
other crafty crap we are working on, books I am reading, socks I take off and leave by my
shoes etc...
-I don't have to EVER pick up after anyone else (other than my kids) and I don't have to
feel bad because she is picking up after me.
-No worries about eating food that someone else bought
-No more complaints about what time my kids wake up, how loud they are, their toys being
in the way...
-I can use my own dishes, pots & pans & can decorate my kitchen as I want to

Woohooo! I am so excited and I cannot wait to get my keys, probably this coming week. The owner said we could start moving in before October and she wouldn't charge me any extra rent. I already paid for October and she is letting me pay the security deposit over the next 3 months. That is a major blessing for us because I have the tranny payments to make as well.

I will be sure to post some pictures as soon as I have 'em.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Songs that bring an evil little *smirk* err smile to my face

-Smile by Lily Allen "When you first left me I didn't know what to say...at first when I see you cry, yeah it makes me smile!...now you say that you want me back and it don't mean jack..it just makes me smile." heehee PERFECTION

-Rehab by Amy Winehouse I am not all about the drug addictions, I know this, but something about this song is just freaking amazing.

-The Real Slim Shady by Eminem this is purely me being a hypocrite. R and I used to fight (read scream, shout, cuss) about Eminem all the time. R was obsessed with him and I got sick of my 10 month old learning to say f*ck you in tune and in time with the frigging cd. Now, I love this dam song. *smirk*

-Hate (I really don't like you) by the Plain White T's Another great end of relationship song. "Hate is a strong word but I really, really, really don't like you. Now that it's over I don't even know what I liked about you." Self-explanatory.

-Date Rape by Sublime He dates rapes a chick, "she picks up a rock, threw it in the car, hits him in the head now he's got a big scar." Then she throws his ass in jail where "he is butt-raped by a large inmate". Sick. I know. I am sick but this one truly cheers me up.

Super sweet not so sloppy joes



We were in the mood for sloppy joes last night. I had some sauce I had made and frozen that needed to be used and for once I found ground beef on sale and we used that rather than ground turkey. This was pretty darn good. We didn't have any hamburger buns so what I did was, crumble the ground beef into the skillet and then layered 3 thinly sliced potatoes and 1/4 yellow onion on top of that. Pour the sauce over the whole thing, cover it and let it simmer on medium low for 30 minutes. Shazaaam! Super sweet sloppy joes. Now the reason I added the "not so" to our sloppies is because the potatoes soak up a lot of the extra sauce, therefore no need to use a bun. :) I "made" garlic bread because the kids asked for it. Basically a bit of olive oil brushed on some wheat bread and then a light sprinkling of garlic salt. Hip hip hooray for quick, easy meals that the kids actually like! Oh, and I added a very basic tossed salad for some veggie goodness. The dessert was just a can of apple pie filling with a crumbley topping. In case you don't know, crumbley topping is melted butter, brown sugar and oatmeal which you toss on top of the filling and bake for about 15 minutes. Put a spoonful in a dish, add a dollop of whipped cream to the top, add another dollop of whipped cream straight into your mouth and the kids' and voila! :)
The kids' and I are really working on sticking to our budget. Hence, all the VERY basic, but also healthy meals. This is what we call single mother gourmet. I bought two 3-packs of organic romaine lettuce (buy one get one free) and 4 cucumbers. A tossed salad goes with any meal and Neva and I often have some for lunch. Potatoes are really quite cheap, at least here in CO they are and they can be dressed up or down in a multitude of ways. I have spent the last couple days going through my HUMONGOUS collection of cookbooks and I now have a 2 page list of recipes we would like to try. Of course, when I say we, I really mean, me. After all...my children love to eat but they are not so much fond of meal planning.
I am going to check out a house tomorrow morning...this one allows cats, has washer/dryer hookups, is in our same neighborhood, landlord pays ALL utilities, tile floors, and is on the lower level. *crossing fingers* It would be nice if something would work out fairly easily this year. Which reminds me the tow truck should be here any minute to pick up Seymour to install his new tranny. I gotta go.
Currently listening to: Wagner's Tristan and Isolde

Sunday, September 02, 2007

bad day

So I did nothing today. Well not exactly "nothing". I did get up, shower and go to church. Then we were supposed to go to a bbq with some friends of moms but I could not find the place. By the time I got good directions I was more than halfway home, hot and cranky. I really did not want to be around people today anyway. So we got home and I fed the kids, you guessed it...ramen noodles and I crashed out on the couch while they watched "Oliver and Company". Thank God for Linda cuz I still just wasn't able to force myself awake at dinnertime and she fed the kids for me. Actually she fed me too and she helped Nevaeh to make some really awesome cupcakes. This is when I say, "Self, it is a very good thing you did not move to another state...who would feed your kids when you are too depressed to move?". Sure as hell not so-called friends that make big speeches about always being there for the kids and then they disappear from your lives.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

wasting time

I hate wasting my time. It is too precious and I have so very little of it to spare. Clearly I am a moron that should not be allowed to pick and choose my own friends. I apparently have no discernment.

Example 1. I wasted several years of my life being friends with a woman, C. When I really needed her (when I got preggers) she bailed and we have barely spoken since. Of course there were a lot of other reasons behind this, jealousy, resentment, financial stuff, men, partying etc...but thats not the point.

Now I have wasted the last 2 years of my life being friends with a man that I thought was my best friend. There is nothing I held back from him, nothing at all. I was completely honest about who I am, who I have been, who I want to be. I am going through another life crisis (death of my dad) and he (B, not dad) disappears from my life. I clearly am sending out something, call it vibes, call it the subconcious, the collective unconcious, I really do not care what you label it...do I push people away when I am going through a crisis or do I subconciously choose loser friends that will NOT be there when the going gets tough? Either way I am the idiot/jackass in these scenarios that has wasted too much of my time on people that aren't true friends. Perhaps it is more of a combination of the two. I push them away and at the same time, the people I choose are not strong enough to work through that? Or aren't willing to work through that?

I have always been a control freak. My childhood was so out of control, there was always so much responsibility dumped on my tiny shoulders (as the oldest) that I learned to be super-independent. Super controlling. Call me Super Bitch! I do what needs to be done. If there is a family crisis people turn to me. If there is somebody that needs to be taken care of I will do it. Are you a schmuck that refuses to grow up? I will feed you, clothe you, lend you my car. Are you an alcoholic/druggie that wants to remain stuck in the shitfest that you call life? I will try to rescue you. Are you a manic phobic personality that craves constant attention? Please, allow me to put my own family on the back burner to enable you.

And if we bring this around to the way I cook when I am in these moods. I cannot even post the picture because it was too disgusting. I made some long grain rice. Very simple, I prepare it in a beef broth which adds some subtle flavor. However, my rice turned out undercooked and too mushy at the same time. How in the hell did I manage that!? I also made a very basic braised steak with a tomato garlic sauce. Sounds good? Mehhh. Not so good really. Even my roommate T did not compliment me on this one. How could he? He doesn't seem to be much of a liar.

Point of this rambling is: I don't do a good job of choosing friends. I think I will stick to my sisters and my kids for the time being.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Curried potatoes & chicken...yay!

So I have come to the realization that my mood can be clearly judged by the meals/foods/snacks that I prepare for my family each day. What I mean is this, during the 3 weeks immediately following dads' death my children ate a lot, and I do mean a LOT of ramen noodles and hot dogs. Momma did no cooking. I couldn't even force myself to make spaghetti for crying out loud. As my ex-boyfriend/friend put it, "this is the summer of top ramen."
So, now it has been 1 1/2 months since Dad died. The immediate shock is over. We are getting back to regular life-type stuff again. The kids go to school each day, Chelsey competed in her first volleyball game without Dad in the cheering section, we have ordered the marker for dads' grave etc...and I am back to cooking.


This was my first attempt at a new recipe since July 14. Momma made a very basic crock pot chicken and curried potatoes. The kids actually enjoyed this meal. I was not sure if they would like curry but they both completely cleared their plates and got to enjoy a popsicle for dessert. Yay! I will admit that the yellow color is a little off-putting. Actually I forgot that curry was such a stain inducing ingredient and I did not rinse the spatula quickly enough and now it is a beautiful yellow color rather than white. Well, we shall just consider it my reminder that life does go on.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

oh soooo happy and a little sad

That is how I felt today. School started today for Kelen and Nevaeh. Hooray!!! The bickering is no longer taking place in front of me all day long. I feel like skipping, seriously, I need to skip to release this joy.

Now the sad thing is...my baby is in kindergarden. That was difficult. She is so darn independent. Dangit! That child is exactly like me. Crap. Once we got to the school she just marched on ahead of mom and I (Grandma Marlene walked her to school today too) looking like she was ready to take over. She is ready for "brubber" as she calls Kelen, to walk her to school without momma's help.

As for Kelen he is not quite as excited about the new school. He does not like the cafeteria, apparently it is too "white". Art class was not fun because they had to sit on stools that are "really uncomfortable" and they did not give him enough time to finish whatever it was he was making. Whatever he was making is top secret. Don't bother asking. Because if he tells you and he refused to tell me I will be an unhappy momma. :)

Monday, August 20, 2007

pity party

Seriously, when do these freaking mood swings go away!? I felt pretty darn good after going to see Dad and grandma. Dad is finally going to get his will taken care of which is great! monika and I managed not to kill each other or the kids while trapped in the car together for 24 hours. That is serious progress!

Now. I feel like crying again. Why? Cuz I am pitiful thats why.

-my flipping car is gonna cost around $1100 to fix
-I dropped my college classes because I have no money to pay for them and the rat bastards at the school screwed up my financial aid
-i have not had a cigarette and I really really really want one
-i have no boyfriend and no prospects
-get a call to go out but see the first complaint: i have no car and therefore no way to get downtown
-i miss dad and i can't get to the cemetary to visit him

this sucks!

Friday, August 17, 2007

in Michigan

Well Monika sent me a text on Wednesday afternoon.

"Want to go to michigan and see Dad?"

So...now it is Friday afternoon and i am back in Charlotte Michigan. The kids are out back playing, monika and Dad went to meijer to get some groceries so that we don't eat dad and grandma out of house and home, grandma and Ana are watching Paula Deen on the Food network and I am relaxing.

The neighbors have a pool and the kids are waiting (not so patiently) for one of us adults to give them the ok to jump in the water.

The plan for the day:




Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I may go for a walk downtown and take some pictures for B. Dad, Monika & I might be heading down to the bar later if Great-grandma is willing to stay home with the kids.

Other than that. Nada. Life is sweet right now.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

flustrated

I am just so dam tired. I never really understood how horrible grief was. Don't get me wrong. I was sad when my grandpa died...that hurt me. I was sad and confused when my ex husband died. But I did not grieve as I am grieving the death of dad. I feel like part of me is just no longer there. I can't quite put my finger on which part of me is missing. I just feel wrong. Does that make sense at all?

I look at the mountains when I am driving and they don't look right. It is almost as if there is a constant haze in front of my eyes. The sun is shining and the sky is blue but the colors aren't bright enough. I keep taking off my glasses and cleaning them but the lenses just don't get clean enough. I can't see any smudges but I know they must be there.

I can't cry. I need to. I can feel it inside me, growing and it has begun to consume my heart. Am I shutting down? Am I putting up a concrete barrier around my heart? I have nothing to give but I need to be able to give something. At the very least, my children need to have a mother that is capable of giving them the love and comfort they need. Do I have that within me? I can't be in a relationship because i am empty inside. That scares me. It really fucking scares me.

Will I ever get "me" back?

Sunday, August 12, 2007

my day

What did I do today? Well, I forced myself to get out of bed this morning and I ran the stairs for 10 minutes. I really need to stop smoking. That lousy ten minutes almost killed me. I actually made it to church today, which was very good. I really needed to go. Ran into some friends of dads, one of his co-workers actually. They asked how all of us girls were doing, and mom. Said lots of people at Frontier have been asking him about mom and the girls. Apparently they are having (or did have) a bake sale and have a check (or will have) for mom, chelsey and kesha. That is so nice.

Met up with B & his friend Elizabeth and her son and nieces and nephews at the park. The kids had fun playing. It was so stinking hot though.

John, Monk & the kids stopped by and John took a look at my car. He wants to do a tune up before I take it in anywhere and get charged an arm and a leg. Maybe a tune up will do the trick. He said the engine is "jumping", basically not running right and it is as if the car simply isn't getting enough power. Still sounds like the frigging transmission to me but it would be wonderful if a tune up could fix the problem. Monika and I tried to explain my curse to John but he did not seem to believe us. I truly am cursed when it comes to cars. They HATE me. Dad knew this was true. He would've gotten a big kick out of the car giving me this grief. That made me a bit sad. Dad always took care of my cars, well, he always did most of it but made me help fix the darn things and now he can't do that anymore. These are the little things that keep sneaking up on me and making me want to go back to bed and not get up again.

I was not up to cooking tonight so we just had brats & french fries. Linda did make some chocolate chip cookies though and the kids loved those!

Now that it has stopped lightning outside I think I will run up to the cemetary. Well, first I gotta get the kids out of their showers, read their story and tuck them in...but then I am off to the cemetary.

Friday, August 10, 2007

crying

I thought I was done crying over men. For freaking pete's sake, I am 32 years old not some stupid high school twit! I spend all of last month crying over dad dying and now I am the idiot that is crying over breaking up with B.

Total B.S. thats what this is. God I hope my car does get fixed tomorrow because if so I am taking off for Georgia. I don't want to be here.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

screw you

screw the world! I am angry and sad and I want to go talk to my dad. He doesn't care if i don't shower first, lucky man...he can't smell me.

Monday, August 06, 2007

down day

I need to find a place to live. It must have connections for my washer & dryer and I need to be able to have pets. Cats & dogs, preferably. Urgh! $ is my biggest concern right now as far as house hunting goes.

I was very down today. Did not get up to meet with my advisor at school. Barely managed to shower & drive to moms house. I did shower, but I did not wash my hair. That would take too much energy. Once I was at moms I did not do anything I was supposed to. I made a phone call to Mexico and then fell asleep on her bed.

Really all I wanted to do was to go see B, get a hug & kiss and then go back to bed.

Now I just want to go to sleep.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

blech

blech is how I feel. my back hurts, my head hurts, my brain hurts. I need to take a shower but don't have the energy. i need to work out but just the thought of that ....yuck. my kids are so energetic it is driving me nuts. i know they are sad that grandpa died but they are not grieving the way the rest of us are and that makes it difficult. All I want to do is lie down somewhere, pull a blanket over my head and not move. i can't do that with 2 kids to take care of can i?

I need to apply for school today but i think i can do that online.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

alone

I feel so segregated right now. My sisters both have someone to lean on. Physically lean on as well as emotionally. Mom is surrounded by her brothers, sisters & friends. All I could think after the service this morning (before the reception) was that I lost the one man I KNEW I could count on. I KNEW he loved me. I KNEW I could trust him not to hurt me. He would never leave my side during a crisis. But that man is dead. My dad is dead. It hurts me to think that. Who do I lean on now? I just feel so alone. I have nothing to give and I want that special someone like my sisters have. I just want to be held because I need it. I want someone to wrap me in their arms and I want to feel like they will never let go. If I ask for a hug I want to be hugged, I really don't need the rejection of having someone pull away from me right now.

My best friend since we were 13 years old came to dads service. I could tell she is worried about me. I tried to eat. I did. I ate 2 cherry tomatoes & 2 strawberries and I had to race to the bathroom to throw up. She has a family to take care of, she can't take care of me. Mom is grieving and can't take care of me.

I got Tom (my sisters best friend) to bring me home from the reception early. I could not be around all those people anymore. My brain feels like it is wrapped in spiderwebs. I cannot clear them away. I took a bath while listening to The Doors. That helped. Then I put in a nice mix of music in the cd player and crashed on the couch for 2 hours.

I know I should go up to moms to support her. She is the widow. I know this but I just cannot do it. I can feel a major freak out coming on and I know that Linda and her friends can deal with it. They will let me rage and vent and scream and curse and they will not take it personally. They will wrap me up in a cocoon of acceptance. This is what I need. They (although they barely even know me) are already meeting my needs before I know what those needs even are. I need a cigarette, they grab them. I need a drink of water and someone gets it for me because I felt like I was being held down by lead weights. The kitchen sink was miles away. They offer hugs just because they know I am sad. They let me talk because I need to. Nobody has given me crap about having to ask for help. Stacey's dad is dead. People with any emotional sensitivity know that I need help. I cannot think of what I need. My brain is not processing correctly. I have had to retype almost every sentence in this blog because I can't move my fingers correctly. Its those damn lead weights again. They have moved from my legs to my fingers. This sucks.

Friday, July 20, 2007

I can't even think right now. I wanted to write but now I can't think.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

God please let this be over soon! I don't have much more to give. I can't be strong for everyone else, I am barely managing to keep myself from curling up into a ball and rolling into oncoming traffic.

I don't have the time, energy or patience to deal with other peoples problems. You don't like that I am stressed. Bite me. You have no empathy and can't manage to be giving, or be there for me when I am in crisis then you are not the kind of friend I need in my life.

Monday, July 16, 2007

now what?

So we have gotten Mom home. Yay! Dad's body is arriving via Continental Airlines tomorrow at 8pm. Frontier is going to do something very special for Dad and our family which I find absolutely amazing. We managed to pick a funeral home, we know which cemetary Dad wants to be buried in and we just need to pick a spot. He wants the closest one to his best friend Tuck. Mom picked one out but she forgot to ask if there were two plots available. I pointed out that we needed to check on this as I was pretty sure she wanted to be buried next to Dad. :) That kind of lightened our mood at the funeral home.

B has been absolutely wonderful, helping us out. Keeping me sane, answering phones, watching Kelen & Neva & just lots of stuff like that.

So far, we (the kids) are getting along pretty well. I am surprised at that as this is such a STRESSFUL and insane situation. Jake & Simone have been great, working with mom & us girls to take care of what needs to be done. I have to admit I was a little unsure of how that whole situation was going to play out and personally, I think we each deserve a pat on the back. Losing the one person that held us together, this could have gotten extremely ugly. Thank God that is not the case.

Tomorrow morning I need to go to the church to make some arrangements for the service, call and check on the life insurance, go to the funeral home (w/ mom, linda, monika, jake & simone) to finalize those plans, contact someone at Coors to let Dads old work buddies know about him, try again to track down Mike & Mary Willard etc...B and I are going to escape for a little while in the afternoon. We both need some death & funeral free time.

All I know is that this really sucks! I am going to start getting my own funeral plans in order because I'll be damned if I want my family to have to go through this crap!

Sunday, July 15, 2007

heartbroken

My dad is dead.

I don't want to accept this. But I know (in my head) that it is true. I have spent the day trying to get everybody through this. I have been working to get his body home to us as he died in Mexico.

My tears are killing me. My sisters' tears are killing me. My mothers tears are tearing apart what is left of my heart.

I want to hate someone right now. I need a punching bag.

I have thrown up twice today. I finally ate something at 11pm. A turkey sandwich. I have kept it down. I guess that means I will not die with dad. I want to though.

I want to yell at him for leaving us. I want to hear him laugh. I want to be called 'tacer'. Only my dad was allowed to call me that. I want to be held and never let go. I want to scream and curse and howl at the sun which is coming up.

It is 5:30 am and I have not gone to bed. I don't think I can. I will never want to leave my cave of a room again. I can't help it. I want to mourn and scream and cry and never stop. I don't want to be strong.

I want my mom. I want my dad to put his arms around me and tell me that 'life really sucks' but I will make it through this. He never really had to worry about his 'tacer, she's tough. But I'm not tough. I am weak. So very weak.

Friday, July 13, 2007

pish

We have gotten the flu. Blech. I was sick (puking) yesterday and now both kids have woken up with fevers. I am giving them silver, orange juice, airborne, fresh fruit & NO DAIRY! If there is any way they can get through this without vomiting I will find it!

So much for enjoying this beautiful weather...we are trapped here at home.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

apartment shopping

Well, I got an email from my cousin Marcy. (She has been keeping our 2 cats for us as Tom, my roommate is deathly allergic). Those darn cats are acting up, peeing on the floors and being little buggers. Anyway, B and I went and looked at 3 apartments today and I think I found one that I like. I also got the numbers for 3 or 4 duplexes that I am going to call on tomorrow or Monday. So, it looks like the kids' and I are going to be moving again after all. Unfortunately this is going to impact our trip to Texas and Georgia. SUCK!! I will have to figure out our money situation before making any definite plans to travel. The cost of gas and food once we are down there are going to be the biggest pitfalls.

And on a totally different topic...The kids and I were wrestling tonight before bedtime (as we tend to do most nights) when Kelen started wrestling with B; Kel decided to screw around and kept calling B 'daddy'. He was doing it on purpose, that little instigator. Anyway, when I was tucking the kids into bed I talked to him about it and told him that I know he misses his Daddy but that trying to freak B out is not going to make his sadness go away. I explained (yet again) that B is NOT Daddy and is NOT trying to be his daddy and that this is ok. Kelen started to cry and cry because he "really misses Daddy". This set Nevaeh off too.

AUGHHHHH!!! When is this going to end? Will it ever end? Will I ever figure out how to handle all of this without further traumatizing and screwing up my kids'?

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

4th of July

The kids and I are having a cookout today. Right now, I am making their lunch. Well, actually Neva & I are making lunch while Kelen is helping make the cucumber salad. We bought stuff for hamburgers & hotdogs for later. Seeing as it is holiday, I even let the kids get some punch. Pure sugar crap. I am not gonna make them drink healthy juice today. Why bother?

Chelsey & Kesha are going to spend the night as Dad is overnighting in Tulsa and Mom is on a flight somewhere. I gotta pick them up around 2pm. We can walk to the local elementary school to watch the fireworks once it gets dark.

I wish I could post pictures but I have still not found my box that contains all the cords for my cameras. That really sucks.

Anyway, I hope everybody has a wonderful and safe 4th of July!

same old same old

my brain hurts. my head hurts. my stomach hurts. my heart hurts.

blurgh.

I just spent the past 2 hours scrubbing the kitchen, blaring Coal Chamber, The Doors and NIN. Good news: The floor has been mopped. The walls are cleaned. The microwave is clean. The stove vent is clean. The cupboard doors are clean. The top of the fridge is clean.
Bad news: I am still upset.

Have I been wasting my time? I do not know.

I don't like thinking about all of the reasons a man would have to think twice about being with me. I know I come with baggage. I know that I am a single mom with two YOUNG children. I know what I look like. I just don't like second guessing myself. Am I that repulsive? Are we that bad? Am I that bitter and hateful? Am I that boring? Are my kids really a problem or are they just being kids?

Linda brought me some chocolate (which was very sweet of her) but if I eat it I will throw up. She said she will watch the kids tomorrow afternoon so that I can get out for awhile. I think I will take her up on that. I just need some time to myself. Perhaps Barnes & Noble, a good book and some chai tea will help to clear my head.

I need to cry.

Monday, July 02, 2007

mood swings

My son seems to be suffering from mood swings. One minute he loves hanging out with B and the next he is Mr. Attitude, letting B know (in no uncertain terms) that his presence is neither wanted nor needed. Its as if he suddenly feels guilty for having fun with B and then has to treat him like dirt. This inconsistency drives me crazy! I know that Kelen is not used to seeing momma with a man and this is part of it. Also, he is at the age where he is pulling away from his momma and trying to act like a "man", or at least what he thinks men should act like. And then of course he comes running back to me. I have to keep reminding myself that this is perfectly normal behavior and that he will get through it. The question is:

Will B and I survive this craziness?

Friday, June 29, 2007

Luigi

Senor Luigi made me laugh tonight. I also made myself laugh because I had a thought. Perhaps an inappropriate thought, but what can I say?

I was picturing in my head how he would react if I grabbed his butt.

O my gosh! That is hilarious!

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Issues

Hello My name is Stacey & I live in the land of Denial.

Can I please have a side of bitterness to go with my anger & resentment?

CRAP! My crap is now affecting my kids and that is just total crap. Right?

Right. Or as my kids would say (in a really deep voice) RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT!

Peas and crackers man! I apparently need to relax a bit with my children. I am gettting TOO protective of them...which is apparently bordering on overprotectiveness. Do I have issues with men? uhhhh yeah. Do I trust people (especially men)? uhhhh no. Do I trust ANYBODY (especially men) with my children? uhhhh no. Do I ask anybody for help (especially men)? uhhhh no. Am I willing to rely on anybody...depend on anybody...lean on anybody? uhhhh no. Are we seeing the pattern here?!? I am screwed up! I have issues with my issues!

Now, under normal circumstances these little idiosyncrisies of mine (Read: bitchiness, defensiveness, control) would push away men. This has always pushed away men. But now? What do I do? I fall for a shrink. Well, not officially but he may as well be. And he tells me in no uncertain terms, that he is not gonna fall for this load of crap! CRAP!! Now what? Honesty and undertanding in a man? What on Gods Green Earth am I supposed to do with that!?! I have never had that in my life!

RUN STACEY! FLEE TO GEORGIA! HIDE OUT!

This is my instinct. I think I will try to fight it this time. He seems to be worth it.

Monday, June 25, 2007

summer so far

The kids and I have been having lots of fun (thanks to B) since we have arrived here in CO.
We went up to Eldorado Springs and went swimming. I will post pictures once I find the box that contains all my electronic cords etc...We have gone to the park a couple of times, they are signed up for the reading program at the library. Kelen is very into his Star Wars books as well as Harry Potter. For our bedtime story I have been reading one chapter per night of the first Harry Potter book. Both kids really enjoy that! We went to a bbq today, the kids had so much fun as these people (friends of B) had a trampoline and an absolutely gorgeous dog to play with.

Once I finish posting this, I am doing some research into piercings. I have a newfound interest in that. :)

Sunday, June 24, 2007

FYI

I like being licked.

That is all.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

affection

I've come to the realization, in the past few days, that I am a person who gives physical affection. I am not talking about anything sexual. I just am a toucher. I come from a family of touchers. We hug, we kiss, we touch a persons arm when we are speaking to them. My kids come to me several times a day, just to sit on momma's lap and to snuggle or be held. I love to rub their heads or their arms when I am holding them. Shoot, I still occasionally like to snuggle with my mom and I am 32 years old. Everytime I am ending a phone conversation with a family member (or close friends) I end with "I love you". My mom and my sisters are the same way. Well, most of my sisters. One of them used to be this way but she has changed quite a bit in the past couple of years. But this is not about that.

Point is: I have learned that I need this touch to feel somehow connected to a person. Is that odd? I am struggling with this realization because now I am dating a man who is not a toucher. Members of his family are not touchers. They don't show affection or say the "I love you"'s everyday or even, apparently every month. My mind is struggling with this concept.

Perhaps it is the mexican in me. I mean, even if you have not seen your tia or tio or prima/o in YEARS, when you do see them again, you get a big ol' hug and most likely a kiss on one or both cheeks. Is that just a mexican thing? But that can't be entirely right. My father (my mexican side) is NOT a toucher. My mother is and she is as white as white can get. (Irish, German & English-by way of Canada) Mom is the toucher.

Shoot! The more I try to figure this out, and the more I see it as I am typing, the more confused I get.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

her royal fatness

yes, indeedy, that is me.
I used to be thin and able to wear a bikini on the beach.
But no more.
From now on you shall call me

HER ROYAL FATNESS!

stupid home videos.

home?

So we are pretty much settled in here at Linda's place in good ol' Colorado. The heat really sucks! its supposed to get up to 98 degrees. Urgh! But, Linda Marie has gotten the swamp cooler installed and it is working beautifully. Yay!!!! It has been wonderful being home. I actually had fun at the barbecue at Uncle Abe's on Father's Day. I really thought I would be too worn out from all the moving, but I am glad I went.

Linda and T are planning on breaking their lease here at the house, so if I do not find a roommate quickly...by the end of July...then the kids and I are going to have to move yet again. Sucko. I am hoping and praying that I will find another single mom that wants to live in a great house. Really the rent here (when splitting it with a roomie) is the same as I would be paying for some crappy apartment. Besides, the kids have been so stressed about the move that I really do not want to move them again, any time soon.

It is also wonderful to finally get to actually hang out with B instead of just talking to him on the phone everyday. Kelen has become infatuated with him. B showed me how to spit. B showed me how to skateboard. B wears these kind of shirts. B does this...B does that...Do you see where this is going? In the world according to Kelen- B can do no wrong.

Now my precious little Nevaeh Grace is a whole different story. She does not like B. She does not want momma to date B (or anyone for that matter). She says there will be absolutely no kissing! She is struggling with remembering to use her manners and be polite. We have had a couple of talks in the past 3 days. I told her she does NOT have to like B, and she does NOT have to like the fact that her momma is dating him, but she WILL be polite and not be disrespectful to him. This is our first big battle. All the other stuff was obviously leading up to this. Nevaeh has drawn her line in the sand and Momma does dare to cross. Heads will roll!! Ok...maybe nothing that dramatical but our heads will definitely be bashing together for awhile.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

moving

OH MY GOSH!! I am so tired.

I helped Dad move his stove & his bowflex workout machine to his new house.

Dad, Kelen and I just went down to the basement/cellar and pulled out the rest of my stuff. I helped Dad drag his stuff closer to the stairs but he did not want me to bring it up because my stupid allergies were attacking me from all the dust and mold downstairs. I was choking constantly. Stupid allergies.

Then I moved a bunch of boxes and tubs I had sitting in the living room out into the garage and started stacking them out there. Then I went upstairs and brought down 13 boxes of books, 1 suitcase filled with craft stuff and 1 big box of school stuff (books, papers, notebooks etc...). I have started packing my jewelry and I need to go back up there and finish that. I also want to finish packing my state pigs and take that darn desk apart. Kelen really wants to take his bunkbed apart but I have a feeling I am wayyyy too tired to actually do that. I do intend to pack Kelen's overnight bag to take to the hotel and to bring the kids' clothes that are packed downstairs. Maybe, if I get my second wind I will pack my overnight bag too. Urgh!

I really dislike moving!

Friday, June 08, 2007

SCHOOL

so I finally got my grades for my classes. I got the grades I was expecting. Got a 4.0 in "Orientation to Deafness" and a 3.0 in my algebra II/Trigonometry. Not bad. Of course I would prefer a 4.0 in the math class but I can deal with a 3.0.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

thoughts

I have just got so much stuff running through my head today. Stupid insomnia is back. I have gotten around 3 hours of sleep per night for the last 4 nights and that is just not ok. Kelen went to the hospital today to get an MRI and that was a lot more emotionally draining for me than I had expected. Two different friends called me with some major life situations facing them that need constant prayer. Nevaeh was acting up this afternoon, probably a combination of Dad not giving her a nap and momma being gone for most of the day. Nagging, constant thoughts/worries about my upcoming mammogram are bugging me. I am still trying to pack up the house and I feel like I am getting nowhere fast with that. It is hot and muggy which means I am sticky and sweaty and ya'll know how much I hate that. I cannot wait to get home. Two weeks, well, just over two weeks. Thank you God! I can't wait to see mom, monika, linda, the kids, b and marissa. I feel like my whole life is there waiting for me, this past 18 months has been so hard, being away from my friends and family. Now if I could only get Tia to live closer...

Friday, May 25, 2007

not now

Blurgh. I went to the doctor today for my yearly check up. Will get the results of the pap next week, same as always. When she checked my breasts she found more lumps. Nothing new there either. She has ordered a mammogram on June 5th. She ordered an ultrasound on June 6th. And she has scheduled me to see the surgeon on June 12th. I just don't want to even deal with this again. I do appreciate the doctors help though. I waited in the office for an hour while her scheduler pulled some strings to make sure that I am seen before I move June 15th. I told Dr. K that I will not have insurance once I get to Colorado so it is a good thing that I am getting all of this out of the way while I am still here in Michigan. But of course, because it is me, I am handling this the same way I always do. I am tired and I want to climb into bed and snuggle with my daughter and go to sleep. That is just not an option. I have so much packing to do, and there are two baskets of laundry that need to be folded, and a dishwasher that needs to be emptied, not to mention the two sinks full of dirty dishes that need to be washed. So my answer to everything on my mind is...NOT NOW! Need to think about some stuff...NOT NOW. Want to lay down and sleep...NOT NOW. Want to call Tia or B or my sisters or Marissa and cry...NOT NOW. Want to, want to, want to, need to, need to, need to...NOT NOW!

Monday, May 21, 2007

to do list

1. exercise DONE 12:37PM
2. shower DONE 2:25PM
3. do laundry STARTED 11:45AM DONE 05-22 3:00PM
4. read my bible DONE 2:45PM
5. pack pictures 1 BOX DONE 8:00PM
6. pack stereo & cds CDS DONE 05-23 10:00PM
7. take the rest of the garage sale stuff to Goodwill 1ST LOAD IN CAR 1:24PM DROPPED OFF 4:30PM THIS IS AN ONGOING PROCESS AND WILL NEVER ACTUALLY BE DONE
8. go to fabric store & get fabric to make/cover the leaves for my 'Last Supper' table DONE 4:50PM
9. figure out what to make for dinner and take the meat out of the freezer DONE 1:30PM (we're having sauteed chicken breasts w/ sundried tomatoes)
10. watch 'Dancing With the Stars' DONE 9:00PM
11. water plants DONE 6:38PM
12. clean bathroom DONE 05/22 12:00PM
13. empty dishwasher, wash dishes DONE 11:50AM
14. call Budget & reserve truck DONE, ACTUALLY SWITCHED TO PENSKE 5/27/07 4PM
15. talk to landlady about staying one extra day, Dad says if we get the truck loaded we can crash at his place to get some sleep before taking off NEVERMIND. I WILL BE DONE BY MIDNIGHT 14TH
16. find out from mom, what day she can come & get the kids DONE 9:30PM
17. get info on sedation for kitties CATS ARE RIDING WITH ME NOT FLYING NOW
18. take kelen to chiropractor CANX
19. empty dressers that are upstairs for Dad. All 3 belong to him. 1ST DRESSER DONE 5/26 5PM
20. go to post office, mail cards DONE 12:38PM
21. clear off and pack upstairs desk STARTED 5/27 BUT NOT QUITE DONE YET
22. clear off and pack downstairs desk 6/8 STARTED BUT THIS COULD TAKE AWHILE...I NEED COMPUTER BOXES-DESK IS EMPTIED JUST NEEDS TO BE TAKEN AWAY BY VOA 6/9
23. pack medicine cabinet & xtra bath stuff I don't use all the time
24. tear down bunkbeds
25. pack kids toys
26. clear out kitchen 2 BOXES DONE 6/10
27. clean off/out refrigerator MAGNETS & PAPERS OFF FRIDGE 6/10
28. remove legs from buffet
29. clean out fish tank WTF am I gonna do with my fish?
30. change oil in car DONE 6/8 11:30AM
31. close out savings account-get travelers checks
32. pick up truck at penske
33. go to vets & get cat shot records

Ok. This list is not in any sort of 'to do' order and obviously I am not going to get all of this done today. actually I think I will keep adding to the list as I remember new stuff to do during the next days/weeks. I am off to start laundry and then exercise.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Nevaeh's birthday

So my little Neva Grace has turned 5 years old! I cannot believe it. I really cannot seem to wrap my mind around the fact that she is going to be in kindergarten this fall. It seems like she was just born yesterday. Actually it seems like Kelen was just born as well. Goodness. Anyway, she had a lot of fun yesterday. We had princess cupcakes with her friends (they had little heart and star shaped rings in them), we went and saw Shrek 3, went to McDonalds for dinner and she blew out her candles that we put in a Hersheys sundae pie from Burger king. This is what she wanted. :) Silly girl. She got a princess dress up gift from memaw and papaw and she slept last night with the dress hanging down from brothers bunk, right by her head. She is currently wearing the lace gloves and I think, 5 rings on her fingers. She also got a pink unicorn (like those stick horses, but its a unicorn) which she is petting while watching a dragon movie with brother. Doodlebops CD, outdoors chalk, playdough and a dora playdough kit, beach towel and swim shoes, monopoly jr. and a new bike. The child is not wanting for anything.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

I'm Freeeeee!

I am a free woman! woohoo!!! I took my last final Thursday afternoon. I think I did pretty good but won't know for sure until Tuesday when our grades are posted. I did go and check with my trig professor and I got an 'A' on the final. Yay! With that grade and my homework grades I actually pulled off a 'B' in the class. I have never worked so hard in my life for a 'B'. Actually, I have never had to work for a 'b' so I guess mom is right and God has used this to teach me to appreciate how easily good grades have always come to me. I am just so happy to not have anymore school. The kids are really excited that momma will be paying some attention to them finally. I spent all day Friday cleaning my living room and dining room and managed to do all the laundry and get the house vacuumed. Today we cleaned (swept & mopped) the kitchen and cleaned the bathroom. My house is actually decent looking again. It amazes me how much work has to be done to keep this place clean. I am about to head down to that horrid cellar to start dragging more tubs and boxes upstairs so that I can go through them. I am having a yard sale next weekend and trying to get all the stuff we won't be taking to Colorado in a storage unit. It is a gorgeous spring day and I have no more school! Yay!

Thursday, May 03, 2007

1 down 2 to go

So I was at school by 7:30 this morning. I have a trig chapter 10 quiz on Monday, which we reviewed a little bit for today. Then I met a few girls from my sign class at 10 am and we studied until our 12:30pm class. So I took my sign final and I do believe I only missed two signs. Two signs out of 40 is pretty darn good! I am so glad that is over with. After that a few of us went to the tutoring center and studied for 2 hours for next weeks written final. Then Michelle and I went to dinner. Thai food. Quite yummy. She and I sat and talked for 2 hours! I did not realize how long we had been there until her husband called and asked if she was ever coming home. Oops. It was worth it though. We both really needed to just relax and not think about any classes for awhile. This weekend is all about trigonometry, chapter 10 and possibly a little bit of orientation to deafness studying. But mostly trig.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

stinkin' technology

I officially loathe computers. I spent an hour and a half in the computer lab at school working on my asl journal and accompanying paper. I was saving every 15 minutes and everything was going smoothly until I tried to email the paper as an attachment. The computer got some sort of a stinkin' error which did a bit of hocus pocus and switched all my text into stinkin' korean! Yep, korean. Now, I can read a bit of spanish and I am learning to communicate in asl and I am fluent as a native 'american english' speaker but I don't know a single thing about korean. Stinkin' computer! The goober "working" in the computer lab didn't have a clue what to do and I lost all that work. That stinks! Now I am home after going to the library with Kelen trying to help him research his paper on Burmese pythons. Neva is playing quietly also doing her "homework" (coloring). Kelen is reading to me and I am about to start doing some more trig. The kids just emptied the dishwasher, most of it anyway and rinsed the plates they used for their Little Caesers pizza and salad. Very healthy I know. Both kids' are loving momma being so busy studying because they are eating out constantly or getting to eat ramen noodles and salad for dinner. I don't cook or do dishes when I am coming up on finals. Call it prioritizing.

Currently listening to: "Highwayman" by Willie Nelson in the background and Kelen reading "Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone"

Monday, April 30, 2007

Trig test

Ok. I got the results of my trig test today. i got another C+. But this time I am happy about it. i got a 39 on the test (78%) while the class average was 36 (72%). So, while this is definitely NOT a good score I am doing ok. Again i made stupid errors that just tick me off. I need about 20 more minutes in the class and then I could go back and check my calculations. I am setting up most of the problems correctly but i do a subtraction error or multiplication error resulting in an incorrect final answer. SUCK! i also lost 3 points because i did not have time to finish the final problem. Mr. Petry did give me 1/4 points for that problem because i started setting up the problem on my scratch paper. yay for Mr. Petry!

Anyway, i am just killing time waiting for my study buddy (Kirk) to get out of his last am class so i can help him study for his algebra final. Don't they say that one of the best ways to master a subject is to teach it to others? Hmmm...we shall see if that works.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Vermontville Maple Syrup Festival








The kids and I went to the syrup festival this afternoon. We had so much fun! The kids rode all sorts of rides, which is what almost all of the pictures are of. They had a blast on the bumper cars. Neva loved the roller coaster. Kelen rode it once with her but then decided he didn't like it. After that Nevaeh got in line all by herself. There was another little girl in line who didn't have anyone to ride with so Neva just took her by the hand and they rode together! So sweet. Now the kids are all hopped up on elephant ears and candy and pop. Too bad Papa! Momma is going to bible study tonight. Heehee.

As for me, a good lookin' tattooed man on a Harley offered me a ride but like the good Christian girl I am...I said no. Kelen told him "my momma can't go with you, where would me and sissy sit?" That did make me think how much I miss riding on the back of a motorcycle. It has been way too many years. Too many years since I have been riding and too many years since I have gotten a new tattoo. After writing that I can just imagine what some of you are thinkin'. What a horrible example for those kids! Tattoos and motorcycles! What kind of a mother is she?!? Let me add some fuel to that fire and say that Neva went up to a total stranger and told her that she really liked her tattoo. (The woman had a dragon wrapped around her lower leg, an absolutely gorgeous piece of ink). This led Nevaeh and I to a discussion of when she could get a tattoo. I told her, as I always do, that she has to be 18 years old and out of high school. Kelen didn't seem to care about all the tats, he was more interested in the piercings. Apparently he can't wait until he can get something pierced. Him liking that particular body modification did not come from me.

Prepare yourselves all ye conservative family members! My little ones shall be full of holes and ink!

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Another day in paradise

That is how I feel. Everyone else seems down, feeling blah because it is cloudy and rainy. But not me, I am loving this weather! No heat to make my brain hurt. Perfect weather to walk in, as long as you have an umbrella or don't mind rain spots on your glasses. Personally, today i brought an umbrella because i don't want my hair to be dripping all over me during classes. Then it drips on my papers and I get annoyed. Today I am all about avoiding the little things that annoy me. I took my chapter 7-8 test in trig and I think i did ok. I know I screwed up on two problems that were worth a combined 8% of my total score but if he gives me partial credit for the work I did get done then I may actually get a B on this test. Of course, I have thought that before and then I got my usual C's so...we shall wait and see. I am about to head to the cafeteria to meet a friend to study for our sign language final. I also need to remember to cancel my chiropractor appointment for tomorrow morning because kelen is doing a story presentation in front of his class and i have been invited to watch. This weekend is going to be set aside for studying for the final in my class on deaf culture. I will be signing whenever I am talking so I know that will drive some people nuts. Oh well, is my thought on that. Close your eyes if you don't want to see me sim-comming. (And yes sim-comming has an actual meaning for those who don't know much about interpreting-Its not another one of my crazy made up words).

Two more weeks of school after today. So if I am even more short tempered than usual please forgive me. I will try very hard not to behave like a total lunatic during this last rush of papers, journals, studying and finals. Also if you do not hear from me or I am sending your phone calls straight to voice mail, please do not take it personally. There are going to be some days where I will only accept phone calls from Jesus Himself. I wonder what area code He would call from?

Sunday, April 22, 2007

i understand

I understand why parents abandon all hope. Nothing works with my kids. Do any of you parents ever feel that way? Can you understand or will you just judge me for stating this honestly?

Just yesterday Nevaeh loses her picnic in the park for lying to me about picking up her room. The clothes were all shoved under the bed. So today, the kids are making sandwiches for a picnic and what do I find? Oh yes, you guessed it. Towels from last nights showers, pajamas, dress up clothes, hotwheels cars all hidden behind the bed. I give up. Grandma has told them if they can keep their room picked up for 10 days in a row she will get them a gift of their choice. She even sent them little calendars to mark off their days. This is not working. I do appreciate her trying to help me though.
- Spanking them does not work.
-Putting them in time out does not work.
-Yelling does not work.
-Ignoring the problem will not work.
-Taking away the crap that is on the floor is not working. At this rate my children are not going to have any toys or books left.
-Talking to them is like that "Bill Cosby Himself" stand up show. What do they say? " I dunno" or "I didn't do it" or "Its not mine she/he did it". I used to find that show so funny. Now, I am just frustrated because it is so true. And I know if Dad is reading this he is laughing so hard he is probably crying. He always wanted me to have kids that act just like I did. Well congratulations Dad. I have given birth to the worlds two most stubborn children ever. I honestly believe they make me look like a sweet-natured little shirley temple wannabe. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WHEN THEY ARE TEENAGERS!?!?

I can't afford to get rid of the clothes they keep leaving out. And of course they know this. So now what do I do? I am abandoning ship. Papa can watch the kids today. I quit. I am going to Starbucks and I am going to drink way too many calories and buy books that I really cannot afford at the Barnes & Noble. And if I pass a halfway decent looking tattoo shop I am getting inked. Perhaps a sinking ship, that would be fitting.

Currently listening to: Coldplay 'Spies'

Friday, April 20, 2007

Spring!

Hooray! It is another gorgeous spring day. Feels pretty warm outside, I have the front door open so there is a nice, cool stream of fresh air flowing through the house. Nevaeh and I dragged up the giant tub filled with summer clothes. I love seeing how much the kids have grown since last summer. It amazes me. So far only Nevaeh has tried on the clothes but we already have quite a pile for our yard sale next month. I know Kelen has grown quite a bit so I have a feeling I am going to be shopping for summer clothes for him. Nevaeh doesn't need much, she still has so many clothes that Anakin and Akira have given her. I can hear the washing machine chugging away and Nevaeh is playing quietly under the dining room table with one of the cats. Soon, Neva and I are going to the park for a picnic lunch. We are taking the soccer ball, basketball and I believe, she wants to play badminton also. :) She is waiting patiently for momma because I told her we could not leave until we had sorted through the summer clothes, done 2 loads of laundry and packed 1-2 more boxes upstairs in our bedrooms. At this rate I will be all packed and ready to move home the day Kelen gets out of school! Yay! Colorado here we come!

Currently listening to: Nevaeh humming to the cat

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

withdrawal

I am an idiot. I was stressing out this weekend over all the crap with B and I went and bought a pack of cigarettes. I smoked that pack in a 24 hour period of time. Now, the Stacey that smoked for 17 years would have had no problem with a pack a day. That was what I used to smoke. But I hadn't had a cigarette since before Thanksgiving. So thats what? 5 months without a cigarette. Ack! I am paying for it now. My head hurts. I have that horrid sensation where you can feel the blood moving in your body and it is SCREAMING for nicotine. Yuck. I must never smoke again. It just isn't worth it.

Oh and if anyone cares I got a C+ on my trig test.

Currently listening to: Uniqua and Tasha singing some hula song on The Backyardigans

Monday, April 16, 2007

selfish

My head is throbbing. My eyes are swollen from crying. Of course that is why my freaking head is throbbing. I tried to study today but could not focus on my trig so I crawled into bed with my daughter, pulled the covers up over my head and went to sleep. Great solution huh? Marissa has told me that lovely saying about letting something (someone) go and if they come back to you, then blahblahblah...I know she is right and I am so blessed to have her to walk through this with me. I know this is what God has been telling me to do but I don't want to listen. I just wanted to finally have fallen in love with a man who will love me back, a man that wants to be with me and no one else. I didn't think I would choose a man who is conflicted over another woman. Again! Again, I have to spell out that this is not ok!?
Dammit! I clearly suck at relationships. He feels guilty about our relationship. What in the world have I gotten myself into this time? Now I'm the other woman?!? He can't tell this supposed "friend" about us. She gets to go out to dinner with my man? Go for walks with him at night? I give up.

I believe I know Gods will in this matter, He has told me but I just don't want to follow it. I have been praying about this for 2 months now. TWO MONTHS!!! I have tried to be patient, not to nag but for crying out loud, how long am I supposed to wait for this man to realize what he has? Why don't my feelings and thoughts ever count for anything? I did that for 2 years with R and I just can't stand the thought of going through it anymore. I know what I want, of course and I have been praying faithfully but that is not what God is giving me. I just feel like I am never going to learn my lesson when it comes to relationships with men. Why? As Marissa told me, I need to pray that God guides B wherever He wants him to go and not worry about if it includes me or not. I need to put my focus on God, apparently I still have not learned this lesson. But no matter what, although I know in my head that she is right, I still just want one of those relationships like I read about in the bible. I am so tired of doing it all by myself. I feel like my whole life I have had to be strong for somebody else. Why is it selfish of me to want someone to be strong for me and my kids? I don't want to have to tell anyone how to treat me. Why do I need to explain yet again that I feel disrespected? How am I ever going to teach my kids that men don't all suck when that is all they have ever seen? Men that abandon their families like daddy did because hey, all those strippers and whores are out there waiting, or men that sit on their lazy butts and expect a woman to be their maid like Papa or men that have to be told, like a child that it is NOT OK to go out with other women! I almost wish I were still unsaved because then I did not know (or care) about what I was missing out on. And I got to have some great sex. Now, I am alone, I know how God has designed relationships to be and I am apparently never going to have sex again. Great. I always wanted to be mother teresa.

How pitiful and selfish am I?
Currently listening to: Crazy-Patsy Cline

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

She's a big girl now



My little Nevaeh can now ride her bike without training wheels. She was determined to be able to ride her bike with the big kids in the neighborhood and now she can. Papa took the training wheels off and it took her about one hour, plenty of crashes and a few tears but now she can ride her bike. After a really big wipeout today she told me she was glad I made her wear a helmet and she asked to wear her brothers elbow and knee pads because she did a really good job scraping them up.

I told mom about this today and she reminded me that I didn't know how to ride a bike until I was 9 years old. That turned into a discussion about my lack of athletic ability. Mom says it wasn't that I couldn't ride a bike but more that I wouldn't. She said that around that time her and Dale (Linda's dad) and the other kids liked to go for bike rides and as I didn't like Dale (at the time-sorry but I was a HUGE brat!) and not riding was my way of controlling things. Now who would ever think of ME as being controlling!?! :) This of course reminded us both of how I used to LOVE to play soccer. I was also really good, believe it or not. Mom took me off the team though after reading about kids getting blood clots and strokes etc...from being kicked. I was always covered in bruises because I was an aggressive player. I told her if she took me off the team I would never do any sports again, and I really haven't ever since. How sad is that? I really was (am?) a stubborn little monster.

Hmmm. I wonder if that is where my Neva Grace gets this lovely attitude of hers?

Thursday, April 05, 2007

First random words

1. Beer: blech
2. Anorexic: hungry
3. Relationships: difficult
4. Your Last Ex: dead
5. Power Rangers: cheesy
6. Pot: green and smelly
7. Clowns: send in the...
8. Color: in people unimportant, on walls...necesarry
9. The President: jackass
10. Sex: i miss it
11. Cars: a royal pain in the patootie
12. Gas Prices: are here to stay...quit yer bitchin!
13. Halloween: my favorite holiday! fun fun fun
14. Bon Jovi: slippery when wet
15. Religion: destroys peace
16. Myspace: good for keeping in touch with me hermanas
17. Worst fear: not living up to my potential
18. Marriage: was a joke
19. Paris Hilton: slut
20. Brunettes: we rock!
21. Redheads: all redheaded men are sexy!
22: Politics: waste of time and money
23: Pass the time: with good music and a good book
24. One night stands: no longer worth the hassle
25: Cell Phone: my lifeline to colorado where my life is
27: Pixie Stix: nasty colored sugar
28. Vanilla Ice Cream: only good with caramel or strawberries on top of it
29: Port a Potties: smell horrid
30: High School: over a decade ago
31. Pajamas: comfy
32. Wood: i love the smell of a wood burning fireplace
33. Wet Socks: feel awful in your shoes
34. Alcohol: preferably something with vodka, thank you
35. HATE: too many things to list
36. Your best friends: rissa and linda
37. Money: the best things in life are free...but you can give them to the birds and the bees...i want money...that's what i want (Can you name the band?)
38. Heartache: i've had a few
39. Love: is amazing if you both work at it
40. Time: needs to speed up so it'll be June and I can be home in Colorado

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

my world keeps tilting

Have you ever noticed how one little word can drive you crazy? I have had a hard day, just a bit stressed out. Studying for my trig test, entertaining the kids (who are on spring break). Mom is gonna fly out here to kick my ass if I send R's blanket per his moms' request. Nevaeh almost cried because she doesn't want to send daddys blanket away. She sleeps with it almost everyday. That is why mom doesn't want me to send the blanket to R's grandma.
blurgh

anyway, I got off topic. After the day I had, I talked to B for over an hour and was in a really great mood. He always cheers me up, even when he isn't trying. And then I get on the computer and start reading a few things and BOOM!!! I read one stupid word that just deflates me. How pitiful am I? What is the word? Well, I am not gonna tell you that. Some of you may be able to figure it out, as you know what I have been struggling with for the past month or so.
Still it sucks that a day can be great, smooth, overall really rather lovely and then one tiny, little word can suck all the loveliness away. Here are just a few examples:

cancer divorce dead cheater fight money debt overdue test dementia struggle her him we have to talk unimportant patronizing callous unwanted unloved

sheesh! how pathetic am i?
currently listening: Michael Andrews "Mad World" -donnie darko soundtrack

Monday, April 02, 2007

condescension

What I did today.
-Up at 5:30am to work out and get ready for school.
-Start a load of clothes. Take out the trash. Feed cats & fish.
-On the road by 7am, attend trig from 8:10-9:15am
-Home at 10am. Make breakfast for myself. Empty dishwasher and wash breakfast dishes (mine as well as dads & the kids)
-Homework for Deafness class. Call every ob/gyn in the Lansing phone book.
-Make lunch for kids. Stop their fighting, send them to take naps.
-Clean fish tank (40 mins)
-Clean kids' bedroom. Sort through toys, pack all their books. Sweep and mop bedroom floor. Make their beds with new sheets & blankets. This takes about 5 hours. They are losing their toys until we move because they won't take care of their stuff.
-Sort, wash, dry & fold 4 more loads of laundry.
-Help Neva w/ her shower, get her ready for bed. (35 mins)
-Online math homework (45 mins)
-Math book work (7:30pm-11:35pm)


So you tell me, mr condescending smarty-pants. Where is all this free time that I supposedly have? What with me not working and all. Single mom of 2, college student, caretaker for dad...of course I have a completely open schedule. I don't "really work" do I?

Putz.

frustrated day 2

ARGH!! I think I am losing my mind!
The kids have been sent to take a nap because they were arguing, bickering, fighting non-stop. Once this escalated into hitting each other I sent them to bed. Are they too old for naps? Perhaps but the other option was for me to scream at the top of my lungs and that is definitely not the best solution. So now my house is quiet.

The only problem is...my math teacher has not posted todays homework online yet. We have problems that have to be done on the computer and then we know which problems we have to do in our gigantic books. I have been checking the site every 30 minutes for the past 4 hours and he has yet to post the homework. Now, normally this would simply be aggravating. Today though it is an actual problem. We need the homework for the last 2 sections of chapter 5 which are both due tomorrow at 8am. The next day (wednesday) we have our chapter 5 test. I am going to be such a raging witch in class if I get stuck doing 2 sections of homework AND studying for this test tomorrow night because he forgot to post the homework. So, the point is...I have a quiet house, time to do my homework but can't access said work. I left Mr. Petry a message at school and at home but if he does not post til he gets home then we can't even start the work until 6pm. That is dinnertime which means I am doing trig at 8pm (once dinner and dishes are done). Two sections is about 4 hours of work.

Can anybody remind me why I thought college and taking care of my family at the same time were not only possible but a good idea?

Currently listening: Blue October "Calling You"

Sunday, April 01, 2007

frustration

I am feeling so freaking frustrated tonight.

Why must I repeat the same thing over and over and over and over to my kids? Are they incapable of learning? of listening? Can they not hear me? Perhaps my voice is like the sonar of a bat and my kids just don't hear a single thing that comes out of my mouth. That would explain why day after day after day I have to tell them to shut the curtain to the shower. But once again, they get in the shower, turn on the water and flood my bathroom floor. Why? Because I didn't tell them (yet again before they even entered the bathroom) to make sure the shower curtain is shut!? NOPE! I definitely did tell them!

Don't touch the blinds in the bathroom. But I go in and the blinds are all screwed up. Why? They were like that momma. Well, no actually they weren't, son, I made sure they were fixed before I even told you to take a shower. But hey, go ahead and lie to my face again. I just LOOOOOVVVEEE that.

AUGHHHH!!! I do NOT want to be momma tonight. I want to go out. I want to smoke. I want a drink.

Currently listening to Good Charlotte: Keep Your Hands Off My Girl

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

math

Woohoo! I have a 3.0 in my math class and I got a 3.0 on the algebra II final. Yay me!
And I like the way B puts what he is listening to so I am stealing that idea. :)
-Currently listening to Shins "Sealegs".

Can you do the sohcahtoa?







So Mr. Petry teaches us this Mnemonic (not to be confused with pneumonic) in an attempt to quicken the memorization of the 6 basic trigonometric functions.

SOHCAHTOA sew-kuhh-toe-uh

Sin=opposite over hypotenuse
cos=adjacent over hypotenuse
tan=opposite over adjacent

And then you just have to remember that csc, sec and cot are the reciprocals. Ok. Sounds fairly simple.

HA!!

So Mr. Petry goes on to draw a diagram of a tree on the chalkboard and a little stick person standing 40ft from the base of the tree. He tells us that we assume the tree grows perpendicular to the ground (which is perfectly flat) and that we are assuming the angle of the stick person to the top of the tree to be 70 degrees.
Now he says:
"Stacey. What is the height of the tree?"

So you have to picture me sitting at my table, tongue sticking out slightly (which I know I do when I am thinking hard) and I am reciting in my head
'SOHCAHTOA. If I have the angle and I have the A (adjacent) which is 40 ft and I need
the opposite...

"Stacey what is the height of the tree?"
"uhhhhhh just a minute Mr. Petry I am sohcahtoa-ing." SOHCAHTOAING?!?!?
The entire class bursts out in laughter. I can't believe I said that out loud.

I am such a goober.



Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Thar she blows!




Well, here we are. It is a gorgeous spring day. 77 degrees outside. Kelen's doc said to keep him home one more day to make sure he was eating ok and keeping everything down. So he is home and we went to the car wash. He ran around and played while I cleaned. Clearly, he is feeling fine.
On an entirely different note. Everytime I see myself in a picture I get ticked off. I am proud of myself for working out everyday and I know (in my head) that I am getting healthier each day and closer to my goal but still...Mom sees new pics and sees her beautiful daughter (I know cuz she always tells me). Linda will tell me I look gorgeous. Me, I say "look! a pink whale with long hair!" But you asked me to include current pics of me so I did.
Blech.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Quadratic functions, vernors & sponge bob. What do these have in common?

Kelen has the flu. Yuck. He woke up very very early saturday am (like 2am) and told me his stomach was hurting. He did not have a fever so I just had him crawl into my bed and snuggle up with me and a big ol' bowl (just in case). Well unfortunately that bowl came in handy around 3:30am. The puking started. Once he woke up Saturday am he had a fever. Now we were supposed to help out with the boy scout food pick up but obviously that could not happen. Kelen tried to tell me he was feeling better around 11am but that was because he wanted to spend the day with his friend Griffin. I let him go outside to play (to prove a point) and sure enough he came back in to lay on the couch within 5 mins.

As a single parent something basic like running to the grocery store for Vernors and Pepto Bismol is a serious hassle when one of the kids is sick. Dad was home napping and Kelen seemed to be feeling ok so I decided to dash to the store for supplies. I come back home and my boy is crying because he threw up again and I was not there. AUGHHHH!! These are the things that make me want to cry.

Poor baby! It is a beautiful weekend, warm enough outside to wear shorts and tshirts and he is laying on the couch, wrapped up in a fleece blanket, shivering and watching "Deadliest Catch" on the Discovery channel. Wait, nevermind now he wants to watch Sponge Bob Square Pants. Woo hoo! That is just what i want to listen to while studying for an algebra II final.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

baby mania

It's probably not what you are thinking.

I am so excited about this oral presentation for my "orientation to deafness" class. We chose our own topic (which is always better than being assigned some crap you couldn't care less about). I have decided to speak about the options deaf women have when it comes to their pregnancies and labor and deliveries. Now, for those of you who know me well, you understand that childbirth fascinates me. I AM going to be a midwife (someday).

Well, it is just sad how few options deaf women have when it comes to controlling their labor and deliveries. There are just not a lot of OB/GYNs who are fluent in ASL. Most women have to use an interpreter for their medical appointments and this includes pregnancy related visits. Can you imagine that!? Personally I didn't like even my husband seeing me all strapped into the stirrups let alone some total stranger. And yes, you can request a specific interpreter but as it is the doctors job to secure and pay for the interpreting services usually the patient gets stuck with whomever is available and accepts the job.

Ok-if I were an interpreter I would have no qualms about these kinds of visits. But again, I am not squeamish about childbirth. I have no problem with the examinations, the words that go along with it: cervix, vaginal exam, speculum, stirrups, mucus plug, effacement, bloody show...do you get my point here? Now be honest with yourself, how many of you were cringing upon reading those words? So how many interpreters do you think would refuse this type of job?

I am so excited to get started on my actual research. All I have so far is an outline but I do have a list of several people to contact. But, my algebra II final is on Monday so this weekend is all about studying for that. Tuesday though...look out! I will be annoying every OB/GYN that is listed in the Lansing phone book!